Can't shake it.
I had my 40th birthday party 4 months ago and became informed of some information concerning family members that brought a flood of feelings back that I had shoved so deep down that I actually hadn't thought about in many years.
I was drinking with my sister, My two cousins and a friend of mine, Everyone else had passed out or gone home and out of the blue my younger cousin blurted out that she had been "Assaulted" by a family member, She said who it was and there was a long awkward silence that fell over the whole situation, All 5 of us sat silent until her sister, My older cousin spoke up, She started crying and told us he did it to her also and threw my sister under the bus with her which brought a flood of the 4 of us admitting to each other that he had done it to all of us.
I apparently got away lucky because with me it didn't involve anyone else or penetration but I don't recall ever being left alone with him for an extended period of time but he lived with my cousins and their family for two years, I was left alone with him a few times and only twice something happened, I started wearing thongs at 13 or 14 I don't remeber exactly but I remember I was 14 and I know the exact date that he walked straight into my room while my parents were at work and he knew I was changing, I don't recall where my older sister was but it was just us and he made me spend multiple hours walking around in just a thong then made me get him off with my hands, The second and last time I was ever alone with him he made me do oral on him and him on me and then was rough with me while he threatened to punch me if I didn't swallow.
With the other 3 it was way worse, My older sister was forced to do the same stuff but at 16 he started...Penetration with her, My older cousin is 6 months older than my sister and he started with her around the same time but before that made them do stuff to each other, My sister told a story about going to their house when he lived there and he had already done stuff to both of them seperately but he made them do some stuff together, My sister and I are large chested and my cousins are smaller chested but even at 16 my older sister had sprouted early and was a D cup and my cousin says she had yet to really get anything. He made them touch each other...Everywhere, Then degraded my cousin about her "non existent" b**** then made them do stuff together and then he joined in. I can't even imagine, So much worse than my experience but luckily I don't recall ever being left alone with him with anyone else.
My sister and my older cousin were apparently mostly at the same time but after my older sister had moved out was when he started with me and when I moved out was when he would have started with my younger cousin who said he didn't mess around with any of it and at 15 went staright to full penetration and even involved one of her friends who completely blamed her and it ruined their friendship and they still don't speak but she continued being his plaything until almost 20 when he apparently just started passing her by without a glance and as we discussed it we realized that was about when our other female cousin who wasn't in attendance would have been about 14 and as we discussed it there was an obvious reason.
The female cousin not there at 14 was tall, Slim, Blonde and had huge b****, She had a reduction at 25 because she is a..."Dancer" lets say and they were too big, Heavy and saggy for her..."Performances" and she was getting back problems but she never once was into men and as we discussed it more and more it made a lot of things make sense. There are a lot of man hating lesbians in my family, I have been married for 13 years and have 2 kids but for a long time I would not let a man touch me, It was completely off limits but when I met my husband he knocked me off my feet, Spun me for a loop and somehow completely changed my way of thinking, But...my sister just finalized her second divorce and says no men ever again but hasn't said she is going back to girls, My younger cousin is...Gay, Whatever the proper term is nowadays, The other cousin I speak of also is and always has been since "Coming of age", My older cousin is a on again off again with girls or being single, My mom spent many years alone, Met my dad and was married for 10 years before he F'ed that up and she claims to be alone but has many female friends and my aunt, Her younger sister is a very vicious man hater who openly says she would rather spend her life alone than ever consider a relationship with a man and has been openly gay since long before it was ever popular or accepted.
He was in his 50's when he was doing this to us and would have been in his 20's when my mom and aunt were teens so I feel like this has been going on for many years and he has destroyed at least two generations of women in our family, I thank the lord he died in a painful and long and drawn out way because I now feel that's what he deserved.