Blind Judges

I suspect the people I work with are liars. After slandering me viciously for god knows what reason, possibly because i criticized this city we live in, saying it has no culture (I'm from elsewhere) and generally expressing my own opinions on things which might quite differ from their own, they started a rumor mill the likes of which i've never encountered. It was infuriating, but what was i going to do? I'd just ignore their nastiness and get on with business. Be a better person, not sink down to their level. They knew I had an anxiety disorder and just dug into it. Yet they smiled, but with veiled hostilities. I asked my department coworker if he'd heard anything about this, and it seemed like he'd already turned against me or something. I couldn't believe what I was dealing with; it was like this whole work environment was somehow in on this. I'd never encountered anything like this. They had little ways of letting it slip out, things they'd say; it was so eery, I couldn't help but wonder if this was planned, and of course I was aware how paraoid it seemed to think such a thing, but what I was encountering here was just too bizarre. This really was f****** with my head. All of these people were pretty much friends; they'd known each other for years, whereas I was pretty new to the place. Anytime someone said something, I'd confront them, peaceably of course, to ask them about it--but they never would admit to it! It was making me feel sick, that people would do this. I kept at it, because I wasn't going to be chased out, if that was what they were trying to do. I'd prove them wrong, perhaps in time they'd see I was a decent person. Over time they calmed down, it seemed, but I could never let go of the feeling there was a profound insincerity among the people I was working with, silent judgements over a calumny, rumor or something no one wanted to admit to. Yea, this has been as crazy as it sounds, without a doubt. I knew it was time to move on, because nothing could be done about it, and I could feel their creepiness at times. This has been too much, and finally I decided there was no need for me to deal with this anymore; I was moving on. But the damage has been done, and I don't really understand why or how people could be like this, but here it is. A friend of mine long ago told me this town was like the Alabama of the north, and yeah, that can sound pretty offensive, but when you undergo experiences like this one, and others I've had here, you come to realize there's a sordid truth to such sayings. It wouldn't be a saying if there weren't something to it. I can't bring myself to hate these people, but I can never forget what they did, and tried to conceal. As if you couldn't get a sense of the realness of people. I've never in my entire life encountered anything remotely quite like this, and yet here it unfolded. If any of them talked, I would've been able to make a legal case of it, but I can't help but think they're aware of this, and know to avoid it. I wish I could tell you more, but really, it is sickening to me to even go into it, which I do often in my mind, for no other reason than just to figure it out, and to try to understand how, why people could actually behave like this--these aren't children, they're mostly in their late twenties though thirties for the most part. Don't shrug this all off as insanity, not without actually knowing what is going on here. I don't think people are up to no good on a regular basis; I believe people are essentially good and decent, and have reasons for wrongdoing. So this really stands out for me. I stuck around almost 2 f****** years to try and turn it around for the better! and I feel like an idiot for even trying, which is why i decided I should just leave. It takes a toll on you, which isn't nearly worth it. But my perspective on human nature has taken a hit because of this. What saved me was finding an article in a psychology journal about bullying that practically described word for word what I was going through; that one article made me feel vindicated, that this was a known phenomenon and others had experienced this as well. It is absolutely shocking to me how nasty people can be at times. I could literally write a book about the experience, and maybe one day I will. Or maybe i'll just put this all behind me and just get on with my life, because there's no point in carrying bitterness like this induces in you for the rest of your days.

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