Worried about dad yesterday even though he's still abusive.

For all of my childhood, my dad was physically, verbally and mentally abusive. I can't put all of the things he did here as it would take too long and it would be a very long read so I'm making this short. Because of my dad's abusive nature, I would often fantasize about going into his bedroom late at night and stabbing him to death. As I got older, my thoughts of stabbing him to death were replaced by me hoping that every time he left the house and drove somewhere, that he would get killed in a car crash but, I was always disappointed when he came back alive. I am now an adult and yesterday, while I was at work, I texted my dad my work schedule for next week. Some time later, I got a text from my dad saying that he was getting checked out at the hospital. I was confused because there was no need for him to go to the hospital. Ten minutes before my shift ended, I got a text from my sister asking me if I was home yet. I let her know that my shift ended at 4:30. That's when the panic set in. My sister is a registered nurse so I then thought that something happened to dad. After my shift ended and I began driving back, I listened to music on my phone but that didn't calm me down. When I finally did get back, I saw my dad's car and figured he was back and I was put at ease. However, when I got inside, neither of my parents were there. Suddenly, I really began to get scared and worried that something had happened. An hour or two later my mom came back and that's when I was told what happened. For some strange unknown reason, my dad was walking in the house when he almost fell over because his legs just gave out on him. This doesn't make any sense as my dad is not heavy or overweight and he quit drinking and smoking a long time ago. Only after hearing that that's all it was did I relax. My dad had always been and still is abusive, just not physically any more but I confess that I'm now very confused. I've always believed my life would better if my dad wasn't in it but, after realizing that he was in the hospital for who knows what at the time, why was I so worried about losing him?

Aug 20

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  • Even though your dad has been pretty crappy to you, you still have a dad. I'd say you still care about him in a small way though the pile of pain and experiences buries that care. Everyday with him living you have your dad and the opportunity he will apologize for the pain or stress he has caused. Though an apology may or may not come hope is still there. Maybe this health scare will cause him to reevaluate his life and relationships. For your sake I hope you get the words and peace you need. Once your dad passes life never feels the same again.

  • Update. When my dad fell, he bruised his kidney. He was taking four medications for years now but was told to stop taking one of them. He was also told to limit his drinking coffee. He was also specifically told not to take any aspirin until given an okay by a doctor that he had to schedule an appointment with. I don't know the reason for any of this stuff. However, my dad is a stubborn man and was still intent on taking aspirin all the way up to his doctors appointment. I texted my sister the day I took him back from the hospital and she said that my dad shouldn't be driving after having just been released. I was in my bedroom and five minutes after I went downstairs, his car was gone. The thing about my dad is that he never listens to anybody. Not even doctors. Like I said, he's a stubborn man who always believe's he's right in any aspect.

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