Slow Motion Breakup

My girlfriend and I got back from a vacation together and things have not been the same since. We’ve tried very hard in the past to get passed our differences. We used to fight a lot and got better at being more accepting of eachother. Things were ok for awhile, but after awhile it became clear to me that we are not compatible over the long term. So I began emotionally drifting away from her. I think she perceived this and had begun to do the same.

But we had this vacation planned for almost half a year in advance and I was thinking in my mind that getting out of our routines and recharging around friends and family could help reinvigorate us, and then we could bring that enthusiasm back into the relationship. In the back of my mind I was hoping we would heal and come back together after the vacation.

Before we had our vacation together she went home to her home country to see her family again, she was there for 3 weeks and then flew back to the states to California to meet me, where I was also visiting family (we are from Texas).

I was having so much fun with my family, and was excited for them to meet and they were excited to meet her as well but but when she finally came through her response to meeting them was sort of underwhelming. She kept to herself mostly and did not really try to be a part of the social setting, even when I would try to involve her or ask her to do things with us.

We got back home to Texas a few weeks ago and things have been cold between us since. I’ve been needing to work lots of overtime since our finances took a hit while we were out there, and also unexpectedly her new job delayed her first day by three weeks, so we’ve been needing to make it on my income alone.

And I’ve just been working, come home and it’s cold. We barely spoke to eachother. I try to make conversation but she replies with one or two word answers. She’s watching netflix or is on her phone and will barely make eye contact with me. And it makes me think why the ** am I working so hard for this? All I do is ** work and I come home to barely be acknowledged by the closest person to me…

She’s started her new job now but still we need to wait for her first paycheck so it’s still on me to provide right now. She’s gotten better, we talk more now but it’s more like pleasantries. We still call eachother “love” but when she leaves and I say “love you” she says “bye.” Or when I text her a “bye, be safe, love you” no response.

I know I said I was emotionally drifting aways anyways. I guess I’m not really surprised at where we’re at. I’m planning on moving out within the next couple of months, another reason to work so much overtime. But **… this still really hurts.

It feels like we both see where this is ending up and we’re doing our best to be kind and undramatic about breaking up. It’s a very awkward position to be in though. Logistically and financially we still need to be there for eachother but there’s no feeling, no passion… I miss the love

I know in my mind that she’s not the one. Long term this is the best possible outcome. But it still hurts.

It hurts every day, it’s like watching a car crash in slow motion. We’re breaking up at a snails pace, one inch at a time and it’s almost unbearable.

It just hurts. I’m hurting emotionally and I’ve got no one to turn to, to talk to about this. I have no other relationships close enough to be able to divulge this level of detail without judgement. I have friends but not close ones, and even if I did I wouldn’t put this ** on them.

I cried while writing this all out, I can’t cry in front of someone I know. I’ve done that before a few times and within weeks it’s apparent that their level of respect for me had declined. So like, what the **? What else can I do. Just endure until it’s over.

This seems to me like years-long, cold marriage. I feel like there are people that live this way for years. And I wonder how in God’s name could they do that?

I’m glad we are not married. I’m glad we can separate without too much trouble. I can understand now how a divorce could get so ugly. Years of pent up emotions suddenly released in a courtroom? Bad time.

I can easily see how this situation then turns into one or both partners having affairs too…

Anyways. If you read this far thanks. I just needed to get this off my chest, relieve some pressure. And even if no one reads it at all, getting it outside of myself has already helped me to accept the situation more fully.

It hurts but long-term this will be for the best. I still love my life and am grateful to be her for what we had, and what she’s taught me about life and about myself.

Thanks for reading and for whoever else needs to hear it I love you and wish nothing but the best for you.

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