Worst thing I have ever done

Was in a relationship for 6 almost 7 years with my high school sweet heart. At first everything was like a fairy tale I never was the type of dude to fall in love. I was portrayed more as the confident individual party guy and flirtatious dude who spent hours in the gym looking good for myself but with a broken home wanting to be a better man than my father. The second stage of my relationship my attitude and me not caring became worse. I admit to all of my wrongs and I am aware I was always wrong. I had the best gf in the world who had patience for me. When I would scream she would talk. When I would talk to other girls and flirt she would act like I’d get over everything. She would beg for me to love her and that was it. I made her fall in love with me but I fell in love with her deeply. Our s** life over the years was crazy and active almost every day! Anywhere. We both had great experiences and moments to share together but overtime things became worse. The quiet beautiful girl I met over the years due to my behavior I turned her into a monster just like me. It became harder to love. Toxicity. It’s the kind of love where you just can’t be together anymore becuase you whom to hurt eachother. Things started to become physical abuse as well as mental. We both argued yelled never listened, blamed one another and brought eachother down. S** was not the same I felt like a simple piece of meat. Lack of communication became silent treatments and soon enough strangers and eventually roommates. Everyone from outside viewed us as the happy couple who lasted so long since high school they thought we would get married and tule the world. Nobody knows what’s really going on from inside out. I made my ex suffer so much that I regret everything and I’m working to become a better man. I never knew it would hurt me to love until now. I can never love again because of her. My pride is not here anymore. She loved me so much and all I did was let her suffer. That was never the real me. I became a monster. I would pick fights just to get out of the house and meet with other woman. When she would question me I’d raise my voice and be physically abusive. She once told me one day you will feel what I feel. Now that we both mutually agreed to not be together I understand what it is like to feel what she feels broken af. I asked my group of friends from uni if they’ve had encounters as such apparently it happens in 80% of homes whether mental physical or emotional abuse. I came to realize I had to cut ties with toxic people in my life. Hurting others was not myself. But hurting the ones I loved was my fixing for years. I hurt my ex so much I can never forgive myself but she forgave me. We talk as friends but my heart still wishes we could one day work out. I remember seeing her hide her bruises with make up worried and vulnerable but still with love in her eyes for me. It took me half of our relationship to realize I was in the wrong and that is disgusting. I was never the man she needed. But there she would be still putting up with me and my behavior. My point is learn to assume to your responsibilities and accept your wrongs even when you know your wrong.if you don’t love a woman the way you used to let her go so she can evolve into something more beautiful and become better. Do not posses her weaknesses for your strengths. She’s not a thing or a sexual desire. Listen because they cherish that. Even when they’ve been through h*** and back in their past relationships don’t judge them for their past. When you love love unconditionally and freely. Don’t hurt one another with lies. Because when you do it all wrong the same woman you fell in love with will soon become someone you don’t know anymore. That’s when you will realize how hurt you really are. Value her as a person and make her feel wanted loved and protected. Physical abuse nor mental abuse is not the way to go. It only breaks a woman to not trust ever again and become so aware of her surroundings that she becomes a new version of passive aggressive to defend herself from wrongs. No relationship is perfect but when there is no respect there’s no more love or connection that’s when you know it’s better to let that person go and be happy to find themselves again. Abuse stays with the person for years and has the potential to break their life in every way possible. Majority of men I know are abusive and they vouch for thinking it’s “normal”. Ladies do not stay in or put up with any abuse. Because when you don’t expect it you will loose sight of who you really are because all you ever wi know is how to walk on egg shells and watch your shoulders before it happens. Before you know it the real you is out of picture. Jealousy gets you nowhere. Neither do rude words or bruises. Most marriages in millennials are filled with all kinds of abuse. Ask for help run away and don’t turn back learn to let go when it seems you can’t as much as it hurts the future you will thank you. My ex and understand eachother better than when we were in a relationship we forgave one another and still hold a connection with a new beginning. When a man loves deeply it’s difficult and harder to move on and look at woman the same because the same woman whom we fell in love with once held the key to our heart we give her the secrecy of a special place in our hearts.that’s how you know when a man will change love changes people. Let it be the healthy love. Abuse is not okay. It goes both ways. Don’t waste a persons lifetime when you could be learning to grow within yourself rather than being toxic and feeling compelled to “stay” . Life is too short to live in the what if’s and or buts. Only the weak make excuses but creators make actions upon choices with weighed options for what is best for me.

Nov 9, 2020

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  • First actual good authentic post I’ve come across. This is really deep my brother. God forgives you have the power to become a better man. I pray you can find happiness in life through all aspects.!!

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