I think I'm bipolar/crazy.

Right now, I'm just listening to music thinking about life, love, etc. I don't know why. I am 16, I've had a relationship with a 28 year old man. I know he's a really nice guy, I just know it. He's just everything I wanted and when he ended it with me I was too much in shock to even feel the hurt. I don't know why I'm so attached to someone who is halfway past their life, while I'm barely starting mine. He's still there for me if I would need him. If I need someone to talk to, if I need to feel some comfort(from a friend). Maybe when I'm older he'd give me another try. I just don't want to wait that long. I've been through h*** last week. I've almost gotten hospitalized, I got dumped, and I got hurt from someone I'd called my bestfriend since I was 12. This all happened in one week. There are times where I just feel like nothing in this world matters. I just want to die. I've committed suicide before, I just never got the guts to actually do it. I spent my whole life trying to make my mother proud. I would bring home certificates, get recognized, bring home a trophy, bring home report cards with A's and wish she would tell me once that she's proud to have a daughter like me. Instead my whole life all I ever get are criticism. Sometimes I wonder why I try so hard for? It's not gonna make a difference. I wish I can just have that mother daughter relationship with her, but she doesn't understand me at all. She thinks she does, but she knows absolutely nothing about me. I grew up in a family of 5 without a father. I'm known as an overachiever according to some of my friends because I try too hard. I just want to be the first to be successful in my family. I want people around me to notice me. My friends mean everything to me, I'm not missing anything. But sometimes talking to my friends about problems aren't enough. I want to be able to talk about it to my FAMILY. There's absolutely nothing I haven't been through. Some people thinks their life is so difficult, they don't know what the real image behind it is. I've been through it. Maybe that's why I act too mature for my age. I've been told by many many people I act too old. I'm too serious sometimes. I'm sure I'm not the only one out there, but deep down inside I can't help but feel like that. I use to cut myself in middle school everytime something bad would happen because it makes the pain inside less painful. atm, I really hate my family. I don't want to see them. I'm a total outcast. I don't fit in. ANYWHERE not just here. that's just how I feel. My friends would tell me otherwise, but I can't help but think they're lying to me. And back with boys, I can't stand guys my age, nor immature guys. I always tend to go for older guys, maybe at least 2years older. I find them a lot more mature. But again boys ARE boys. Everytime something goes wrong, even though it's not true, my mind always thinks one direction. He's bored of me, he has someone else. most of the time I tend to think of things on the negative side. I've been heartbroken twice. I want to just give up on everything. I tend to give out really good advice when people are in trouble, but why can't I take my own advice. Like the saying goes, easier said than done. Every single time after a heartbreak, I feel like I need to put myself out there. I feel the NEED of having an affection. I know I don't need a guy in my life to be happy, but every now and then I want to feel the passion, affection, love. So I tend to throw myself out there not thinking, and then later discover that I really regret it. But then its too late already. I feel like a s*** myself. Anything dirty. At times I feel like a w****. I'm only 16, I've had 8 partners already. I don't even believe in having s** this early, especially with that much partners, but it's just me. I can't help it and I always do it without thinking. Then I feel like a total hypocrite. Drama in school isn't enough, but drama at home also. then everytime something bad happens, I go out till 3,4 in the morning coming home wasted. I don't want to do this stuff, but it makes me feel better. I just feel the need for it. I don't know... I tell my friends everything, but I don't tell them all this stuff because I'm afraid of what they would think of me. I mean people say they don't care what others think, but it's just all bullshit. People DO care. Some just show it more than others, it's just a human trait you don't get away from. I just think I'm a really lonely, sad girl. I'm PATHETIC....
I don't know...

Jul 8, 2010

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  • such little b******.
    this girl really needs all the support she can get.

  • I'm only leaving this comment because I'm utterly shocked that this many of you f****** took the time to read this novel.

  • you need to learn to use paragraphs. too bulky i;m not reading that s***.

  • I definitely felt exactly that same way when I was your age. It's hard to believe but one day you'll wake up and you just won't feel that lonely anymore. Just push past your teenaged years without doing too much damage to yourself and you'll see. Stay strong, you can do it.

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