Missing my ex and wanting to reach out even if I shouldn’t

From time to time my main ex pops into my head. When you’re together for years it seems inevitable. Despite my doing the breaking, I find myself missing her. It’s been a while since we broke up and we’ve both had other people or at least lovers. No big deal. Still, I find myself trying to find her when I know I shouldn’t bother.

I chucked my old phone I had for 15 years thinking it might be easier. She’s a ghost like I had to become. Clearly she’s still driving guys and others crazy and likely wants to be alone. Last time we spoke a couple years ago ended as usual in an argument as she likes picking fights and always has to be right.

I wanted none of it as she tends to bully if she doesn’t get her way. Reminded me of why I dumped her. Still, I miss her and all her crazy quirks except the bullying and drama she creates out of thin air. Her beautiful blue eyes, feminine ** voice, obsession with socks and so on.

Sometimes it’s of a sexual nature because we were that compatible. Others, it’s the little things. I recently found her instagram and was disturbed with how anorexic she looked as she was a hottie with a body with me (not fat, normal). Now she’s anorexic looking, and her lips look like she had filler put in, even though she doesn’t have money.

I’m guessing it’s a lot of bad makeup because she’s trying to hide the thinness or impress younger, boring types. Still, i miss her. I miss her despite seeing how godawful she currently looks. I feel for her even though it’s likely all her doing as she’s an obsessive personality.

Her brother said she looks terrible and needs to stop working out so much when she barely eats (a vegan now). Not surprising as she was once fat decades before I was with her when she was yummy. Sad though. It’s still her though, and I miss her as a whole despite being worried with how thin she looks especially facially.

Been trying to reconnect to tell her a few things before I leave this world, but often feel like a joke in doing so. So I let it go until she pops back up as she always does.
Thing is last time we spoke during covid, she told me what I already knew that I was still the love of her life if such a thing exists. She’s mine also but we’re a lot alike and will always be connected.

Still, I feel bad in trying to merely talk to her even if she’s likely alone by choice, and acting as always as if she’s in a better place. She never is. She enjoys pain and misery as she’s misanthropic and hates people.

Still, I miss her as she’s one of a kind. I feel like an idiot but she’s the only one that ever got me and I her as she felt the need to being gang up again the last time we spoke. I didn’t mind. Was surprised though. I broke up with her years ago because I was mentally exhausted and she was driving me nuts.

I know now it’s just what she does and to everyone so that they will dump her. I doubt that was the plan with me as she fell apart afterwards, so I should just avoid the thoughts I have, but it’s her. The ex. Yes that ex. We all have one both good and bad and she’s mine. I miss her.

That connection as f**led up as it may be, it’s because it’s her. It’s us. Although, perhaps it’s because I’m almost at my end and I’m alone. I think about these things and feel loads of regret yet yearn to find her all the same. God I’m an idiot but I can’t help it. I miss her.

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