I'm a ** person

When i was kid i had an older brother me and my bro were inseparable he was the best big brother anyone in this world could of had.
And i treated him like ** i was in my early teens and a family member gossiped about him being a **, i took massive offense and i defended my brother there was no way he was gay and to me this person was just being a **, at the time this conversation took place i was at home my mother brother and father were out for the night but later when they returned i asked him about it i wanted to know if it was true, i didn't know it then but in hindsight i wish i had never been told this drove a massive gap between the two of us i was in tears and disbelief i never came to terms with it even now years later as i write this.
What took place was me washing everything down anywhere he sat anything touched was washed down, i was afraid that if my brother was gay i might of been i was also afraid i could of caught it which i now know is of course impossible but i was a dumb ** i had something close to a mental breakdown i started hitting my head with my fists or against the wall because i started having voices in my head that taunted me about it it was already ** enough in school for me where my education was ** over i couldn't cope i started hating my brother who had moved in with us i cant remember if he stayed for about one year or two years but eventually we had one huge arguement and he stormed out he had left.
At the age of fourteen or fifteen i tried to start talking to my bro a couple of times one time i went to visit him with my sister and mother we all went out and got some food we had a good time but i disowned him a second time.
No matter how many times i tried to ignore the fact that he was, i just couldn't it was always at the back of my mind as a consistent reminder he was gay and it wasn't ever going to change that night out was one of the final times i saw my brother.
The very last time i saw him was when we had to pick my sister up from work, he was on break and wasn't that far so my mother paid him a quick visit my mom and sister both got out to greet him but i just sat in the car.
He died near christmas time he suffered from seizures and he had one major one that caused a bleed in the brain he was rushed to hospital he was kept on life support but he was non responsive my mom made the biggest choice of her life he was discharged from the support i was at home with my father who stayed with me.
At the funeral i chose to sit at the back amongst other family members and no i wasn't distancing from his partner nor for any other spiteful reason i sat at the back because it was my place to sit i didn't deserve to be at the front i was just silent lost in thought i bottled up my emotions for weeks before one day i came to terms with the fact i was never going to see or hear about my brother again.
This is most likely the part that you expect me to say my views have changed, they haven't, but what i did regardless of what age i was was demonic it was inexcusable some of you may of read my other post titled my perspective detailing how ** my life is currently and how i want it to get better but you should also know it's deserved i could care less what people think of my views i've failed as a son and a brother, once more i do not know what to think i'm 48/50 part of me still hates the fact, but he was my brother and frankly these emotions of anger and regret are taking it's toll, two conflicting emotions it's unhealthy plus the current **. I'm sorry brother i failed you

Oct 12
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