My Lesbian family

Over a decade ago, I moved to the States from Hong Kong to live with my aunt after my dad had died. My mom wanted me to be free of abusive family members from both sides and knew me living with her sister would provide a safer and healthier upbringing of which I came to have a much greater understanding of through the years.
I was 13 when I moved in with my aunt and it was a huge adjustment coming from Hong Kong. The 1 bedroom apartment in SF was much more spacious then the tiny apartment I grew up in. America was a different lifestyle. And my aunt was not your typical Chinese. She was 28 at the time (the youngest of my mom's sisters) and was very liberal to say the least. K was openly a lesbian and had a rainbow triangle tattoo on her left breast. Both ** and her shaved ** were pierced (something I didn't realize was a thing until I met her) and I knew this because she rarely wore any clothing at home. She had ** toys in the bedroom, a collection of lesbian ** dvds, and a large poster hanging over our bed we shared showing two Asian girls completely naked and tribbing. In the living room/kitchen hung a giant pride flag. I don't think my mom knew the extent of her gayness.
I came to appreciate living with her though as I always had a suspicion I was lesbian as well. Ever since I was 8, I found myself staring at other girls and admiring them for long periods of time. Through my aunt I came to accept I was a lesbian by the time I was 15. I eventually joined her in watching ** together and masturbating together and though I'm not naked as often as she is, came to enjoy not wearing clothes at home. Through her influence I got my ** and ** pierced at 19. The ** stung, but the ** hurt like a mother-f-er! But I like the way it looks.
One night while cuddling naked in bed we unfortunately ended up having **- something we did not intend to happen. She was my first lesbian experience at 19. We agreed never to do that again (it happened twice more, but then we truly never did it again especially after we both found partners) and that it was wrong, but it did spur on a week of very long conversations regarding things I never knew about my family and the fact that this was not the first instance of ** in our family's history.
My grandma was the first known lesbian in our family. My grandfather found out she had cheated on him with a close friend of theirs and since that incident, he beat and abused my grandma until the day she passed a few years after my birth. They originally had 5 daughters (two I never even knew about previously). There was J, the oldest, M and X, the twins, L, my mom, and the youngest was K. M and X were caught when they were 16 having ** with each other. K was 5 and my mom was 14 at the time. My grandfather flipped out and beat them and my grandma harshly and blamed my grandma for having only daughters and that they were lesbian like her. The two were in love with each other and had been having ** since they were 14. They kept it up but were caught again a year later and my grandfather kicked out M from the apartment. Two days later they found her dead. She had jumped from another building to her death. X was devastated and hung herself that night. K never saw it, but my mom and J had found her dead in the closet. My grandfather showed no sorrow over their loss and my grandma became mentally unstable after her children's suicides.
J ran away a month later unable to stand my grandparents and later revealing she was in a long-term sexual relationship with her female classmate. But eventually it came to light in the school she was gay, and she was beaten by her classmates and brutally beaten by her girlfriend's parents. She died a year later likely caused by the head trauma she received from the beatings though it was never officially confirmed. By that point my grandma had become an emotionless shell of a person and was equally strict and harsh on her remaining daughters. My mom never dated any girls, but K had learned before she moved to America that my mom was lesbian as well. She was forced to marry a friend of my grandfather's who was equally harsh against those of the lgbtq community. It was a calculated move to ensure he didn't have any more lesbian kids. That was when my grandma made the wise decision to move K to the US when K showed signs when she was 18 that she was gay as well. My grandma had caught K looking at a naked photo of a woman and was masturbating to her. In a rare moment of not scolding her, she explicitly told her to keep it a secret, told K about her prior affair with a woman, and that she wanted K to have a peaceful life and freedom to explore her sexuality without the abuse of our family.
I was my parent's second child. Their first, my brother, died a year before I was conceived from a severe allergic reaction when he was 6. My dad was a very cold and unloving father and my grandfather, on the thankfully rare occasions I saw him, was a stern and terrifying man. I never received a beating from him, but I did see him hit my grandma and my mom a few times in front of my dad who seemed unfazed by the abuse. I think my mom had suspicion I was likely to be gay as well and smartly sent me overseas to live with my aunt when my dad died of a heart attack. I felt no sadness by his death as he was rarely home and never really interacted with me or treated me as one would expect of a family member. According to K, my grandfather (who passed away two years later), and my dad's parents, would have likely started to abuse me after my dad's death which is why my mom sent me abroad.
K and I never intended to have ** with each other the few times we did and we do acknowledge it is likely due to our abusive family upbringing. We both found partners a few months apart after the third time we had **. I eventually moved out when I got engaged to my girlfriend three years ago. We have yet to get married. K and her partner unfortunately broke up and she is still single. My mom moved out with us three years ago when I told her I was engaged. That is when she learned I was openly gay. It wasn't until last year that she told me she was proud of me and happy for me. She and K are living together. They are sisters but total opposites. Whenever my fiance and I visit (which is quite often these days), my aunt, fiance and I are always naked, but my mom is fully dressed. My mom is open about being lesbian with us, but has no desire to come out publicly despite my aunt's insistence to date other women. My mom nor my fiance nor anyone else for that matter know that my aunt and I have had ** together. That is a secret we will likely take to the grave outside of me posting on forums like this. I am honestly ashamed of it, but at the same time don't regret having done it as it opened my eyes to my family's history and K was my first.
I know my story is pretty uncommon especially for those who are Asian. I've only met a few other Asians outside of the US who've come forward about their struggles growing up gay in an Asian family. Practically all of them have pretty rough stories. My fiance is a fourth-gen Chinese American and was pretty much kicked out from her family at 17 when she came out. Being lesbian in my family has caused abuse, death, and suicide. I am very grateful to be in America. Not everyone agrees with my views, but it is far better than what would have been if I or K had stayed in Hong Kong.

Related Posts