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I dont allow myself to live
I hate my face and nothing can change that. I hate it so bad I self-sabotage and lock myself up in my room I don't go out with my family or to my friend's house and the only time I leave is when I'm forced to. I don't even go to school so I do online. I don't even spend time with my family anymore because of how much I lock myself away from them in my bathroom because of how embarrassed I feel about my face. I sit there for hours just on my phone like a lazy slob I do try getting exercise though. Even my entire family noticed how long I stay in there. I even overheard my step dad whos like a best friend and a real dad to me say "I never get to see (my name) anymore shes is always in the bathroom or asleep". That made me feel bad but I have to. It's exhausting I don't do anything and I'm literally wasting my childhood because my mom decided to ** an ugly guy. So many people have called me ugly my entire life from when I was only in kindergarten to literally only 2 months ago when I finally had enough confidence to leave the house and go with my friend with her mom. My friend's mom said to me "aww you look like an elderly with ur glasses" I never wanted to choke someone so much in my whole life. Even my own mom calls me ugly sometimes when we get into fights she always says something about my face once she said "shut up and get ur ugly face away from me" that's not the only time though. If you're gonna be mad at ur own 14-year-old child for being ugly that's you, the parent's fault for making and having an ugly baby. But my insecurities have gotten so bad that I can't take pictures or videos, I can't video call, can't leave my house, go to school, can't see my friends, and just basically normal things. Its got very bad to where i compare myself to this one girl i want to look like so bad and cry in my bathroom for hours. Im very suicidal over this but the only thing stopping me from committing suicide is that im afraid of pain and just death itself but i still want to die when im ready to die. Everyone whos called me ugly has always said "its a jokeeeee" and that annoys me so so so so much its really irritating because i know it really isint but they just saying its a joke only. TW: Ill be talking about things that involve blood and knives so if u dont like things like that then dont read
Every day the same thought comes to my mind and its to take a knife and just cut everything off my face like my nose, my eyes, my lips, everything because id rather looks like whatever it would turn out to look like after than look like what I look like now. I think about it constantly and it makes me annoyed because i just want to look like her or just pretty in general I'm so tired and i just wanna live my life. Sorry if i misspelled anything
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