Not supposed to be here...

I just turned 34. Married with a daughter. I partied my teens and my 20s away. Figured "well, I'm not making it past 40 so why not." No seriously i was planning on taking matters into my own hands before 40. Now that I have a daughter I HAVE to make it well on past 40. Never planned on having to continue to be alive. Every day is scary. I have barley any job skills. None that creates opportunities for any job paying ove 40k a year. There's no future where I'm not working untill my body breaks down.
Afraid isn't a strong enough word to express what i feel constantly. I don't want my daughter to realize she comes from a failure. I don't want her growing up and being ashamed of her dad and think she's bound to turn out like me. I'm afraid of every job application submitted. I'm afraid to go try and do the one thing I could have been good at other than being a dad because I've always come to expect the worst. 3/5 times the worst thing happens when it comes to life. Mine anyways.
I've worked more than half my life with mostly nothing to show, nothing that proves I worked hard. I confess I just want to selfishly give up. I selfishly feel too guilty for helping create life to not help that life grow to fruition in better conditions that I grew up in. I confess I don't know what to do at all. About anything. Nothing is for certain other than I have to help her and I can't just end it anymore. I can't talk to anyone, friends, family or some doctor... I haven't the extra money or time and are FAR too full of shame for that.
I confess I ** up. Nothing is anyone else's fault but me, its my life. The debt of my life's wasting cannot fall on my wife and child. I don't know what I'm doing currently, I know why I'm doing this. I'm alone, scared, apprehensive, discouraged, guilty, filled with contrite, unskilled and generally unwell and have zero idea what comes next.

Mar 6
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  • The fact you're claiming responsibility and not thinking you're some kind of victim is a fantastic attitude. Keep it up.

    Your kid does not care what job you do, work as a cashier or anything, just be there for her as a Dad and you'll be doing more right than wrong. You'll default be more of a man than 30% of the human race JUST by sticking around and being there (so many parents bail on kids nowadays). Most importantly, stop comparing yourself constantly to what society says you should be like at this age. I don't know if you've noticed but society as influenced by the media has been spewing absolute garbage for the last 70 years. Happiness does not come from money and consumerism, it comes from taking responsibility and building relationships - become a man in a world of boys! Most adult males never wake up to this.

    You sound like you could do with a professional to help you dig through the negative thoughts in your head. However if you're too nervous, some self-help books may help put things in perspective. '12 rules for life' is quite a good book by J. Peterson for that.

    One thing that crushes anxiety, speaking from experience, is weightlifting. Contrary to what the media spews, gym goers are the most friendly and positive people I know. Not only does lifting make you much more happier and confident, but also being surrounded by these people will help as everyone is so negative and judgemental on the street I feel. It's a world of light that you need to walk into, it will not come to you, you have to go it to. Seriously, this will help.

    I hope you have a good journey bro, stop worrying about what the madding crowd think. They are miserable ** anyway. Take responsibility for your daughter and yourself. I know it's scary, but don't freeze out of fear. Keep moving forward.

    Good luck bro

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