Relapsed

Tonight I finally couldn't take it anymore. I was having an anxiety attack. After months of not doing it, I grabbed the knife in my closet, and slashed my thighs until they bled. I'm so ashamed of myself.

This whole month I've been working on sitting with my emotions and figuring them out, not ignoring them like I usually would since it was detrimental to the relationships I have with others and my general well-being. I've been working on my patience, and bringing subconscious issues to the surface.

I thought I came so far. But I still feel like s***. Back to square one. I feel like a failure.

Why is it so difficult to be a decent human? I want to be naturally empathetic and compassionate towards others but instead it feels like I push everyone away with my overreactions or lack of reactions. It's so upsetting, because I'll still selfishly think, "Why don't MY feelings matter? Why are they making it about them?" When that's exactly what I'm doing.

I want to be different... better... but it's so hard when it seems like people purposely put you in situations just to see how you react, like a test. Life, please, just give me a break. Please. Or at least give me the courage to end it.

Mar 13, 2016

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  • There have always been people who have had life-crippling anxiety, for tens of thousands of years. How did they cope with it before Gen Z, when cutting became fashionable?

    I have next-level anxiety and have for years. Never cut once, even though I tend to turn my s*** inwards too. I didn't need the additional stares the scars would cause, and it's a stupid "coping" mechanism anyway. So someone explain to me why cutters need so much more attention than other people who are in similar pain!

  • The teenage years are all about big dramatic emotions and obsessing over looks, so I do not believe these girls for a single second when they say they don't want their scars to be seen. Their brains are still under-developed and all they care about is getting what they want by coming at it sideways so they can't be called out by their actions, they can just act all innocent and "traumatized" instead.
    Yeah, I know some boys cut too. There's a senselessly macho component added there, but the drama and social status are still factors. You idiot kids have no idea what it's like to be older, but we do remember what being teenaged is like. That's why we have no patience for your childish bullshit.

  • Dear Friend,
    Please don't ever harm yourself again. Go to the nearest emergency room now and get treatment for your injuries. You need psychiatric and social work counseling. Be sure to do this today. No one's life is perfect but things can improve for you with the right help. Be well and let us know how you're doing.

  • Downside of anonymous confessions - I can't actually talk / listen to you, otherwise I would offer to talk to you about it and just listen to what you have to say. Sometimes that makes things better ( for good psych reasons ).

  • Those scars will look so stupid when you're 40.

  • One way to avoid this is to be dead before you're 40. According to dumb people, that's old anyway

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