Tonight I finally couldn't take it anymore. I was having an anxiety attack. After months of not doing it, I grabbed the knife in my closet, and slashed my thighs until they bled. I'm so ashamed of myself.
This whole month I've been working on sitting with my emotions and figuring them out, not ignoring them like I usually would since it was detrimental to the relationships I have with others and my general well-being. I've been working on my patience, and bringing subconscious issues to the surface.
I thought I came so far. But I still feel like s***. Back to square one. I feel like a failure.
Why is it so difficult to be a decent human? I want to be naturally empathetic and compassionate towards others but instead it feels like I push everyone away with my overreactions or lack of reactions. It's so upsetting, because I'll still selfishly think, "Why don't MY feelings matter? Why are they making it about them?" When that's exactly what I'm doing.
I want to be different... better... but it's so hard when it seems like people purposely put you in situations just to see how you react, like a test. Life, please, just give me a break. Please. Or at least give me the courage to end it.