I Think My Boyfriend Is Gay (or Bi)
I'm 23, F, and have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. It started out as long-distance as we both have our own issues. He is autistic and I suffer with severe social anxiety, which makes it easier for both of us to communicate and build friendships online. We have met in person 3 times. The first time was on my 21st birthday (2021), the second was for Thanksgiving (2022), and the third was just last month (2023). For clarification, it is always me who visits him because he has sensory issues and cannot take long car rides or train rides alone. I also refuse to trouble him by asking since I am very independant.
Recently, my boyfriend has been unusually shallow and distant. We used to text and talk every other night, and now we only text 3 or 4 times a week, if that. I have tried to start conversations, and it seems like he has as well to some extent, but after 10 minutes his interest fades and he becomes distracted with something else. I thought it was me, or because we've been together for so long that we've run out of things to talk about. Until yesterday, when I was made aware that he has been speaking to another person online and they both seem attracted to one another.
My boyfriend was very honest and told me that he did not know if this attraction was sexual or not. However I grew concerned because the person he has feelings for is a 40 year old married man who regularly initiates sexual conversation with him, and my boyfriend told me that he was flattered, even enjoyed it (which he is thoroughly ashamed of). My boyfriend mentioned he was in a relationship several times but he felt the guy's persistance was charming, so he never laid down a clear boundry. Because he led the man on, they had a heartfelt conversation, which led to my boyfriend getting a ** pick. My boyfriend has since friend zoned the person and they have stopped sexual conversation.
Our relationship is not sexual. I have given him favors and he has done his fare share in return, but we've never gone all the way because we are two stupid virgins and pregnancy is not in our cards right now. I also lack the nessessary "feelings" down there, so I have little to no interest in traditional **. He accepted this before we got in a relationship. Overall we have been steady up to this point and my boyfriend has been profusely apologizing to me about his behavior, and his "neglectful" attitude. Everything has gone back to normal but I know deep down that my boyfriend is probably not attracted to me like he is attracted to men.
I have discussed this with my gay friends and they ALL agree that he is extremely closeted, either gay or VERY bisexual. After everything that's happened I am inclined to agree. But this has not changed my feelings for my boyfriend in any way. I've even suggested an open relationship if he felt it would be nessisary to fill the gaps I cannot. He has agreed, on the condition that the other person lives me as much as him, as he does not want me to feel left out. Now I suppose I am conflicted. I can't see myself with anyone else right now. I want the best for him, and I want him to be happy. No matter what I know we will stay in touch and remain close friends.