Guilty Of My Own Dreams
I have married the man I wanted to, but the story behind the marriage is not so good. I would like you all to hear this and if there is some advice you can render please give it to me to improve my situation. I welcome them with open arms.
After I graduated from Uni, I fell madly in love with a person who had helped me out with a few things in publishing my report etc, and he was also known to my father, who actually recommended him to me to help me out if I needed any help since this guy was in the printing business, because dad was leaving for an overseas trip to L.A. as a visiting professor.
After all the help I received and graduation and miraculous turn of events I came to see him once more when I was offered for a job at his younger brother's firm (which we came to know later). I was very surprised and I think that this was the time I started to fall in love with him, NOT when he first helped me half a year ago.
Time went by I worked diligently in the younger brother's firm and awaited a day that he will call me up and express interest in me. He used to live upstairs of the firm with the rest of the family. He never showed interest, no matter how many times he went past the firm downstairs, where I worked.
It was time for me to get married, because lots of proposals were coming in to my family for my hand and to my parents surprise I was refusing ALL of them. They asked me why was this? did I have someone specific in mind? I said yes, but that he hasn't said anything to me yet. That was the strangest thing I have ever done in my life. Finally, I gave up. I saw that he was never showing interest in me and I was going nowhere falling head over heals in love with him while keeping it all to myself. I am basically a very reticent person.
Here is the sin that I made to resolve my dilemma. I prayed to God, to make HIM completely fall in love with me (the way I loved him) in return of completely losing my love for him. This is what happened as a consequence. Everything that happened sinc that moment on and upto today is a complete disaster! He fell in love with me almost instantly (to my surprise), within a few days of my prayer, his brother came and told me that my brother has shown intererest in you and that he will speak to you soon about something. Things followed, my husband (who is the man I am talking about all this time), first of all arranged to call me up upstairs to his house, asked his mother (step mother actually) to talk to me first, to give the proposal that her eldest son has found the girl he wants to marry and that he wants to marry me. This was followed by his first conversation with me. That was the first time I got to know him a little better and see him in close shot, for a while. He asked me to take the message to my parents and that thing would follow. He took time to see me the next time and kept me anxious for days on end, but when he occasionally called me and talked to me over the phone, I was dead excited and swooning all over him.
The marriage took place at the end of the year. Things totally started to take a different turn. I have to mention here that every event that had happened since the night of my marriage is so painful to remember and so painful to describe that I cannot put it all in detail here. I will not have enough space. When I entered that family, I understood this is very different from what I imagined it to be. The mother-in-law, the aunty-in-law, my husband's brothers and their wives and zillions of servants who reside in that house, as they sit in the dining table together they portray an attitude that this is our home, if you want to live here you have got to reside with our laws and our norms and our son who has married you is also on our sides on these matters. Since then every single day I have been dictated to follow their orders to make a life style for myself. I kept quite and I cried on my own, I was not allowed to go and see my parents too often either, the husbands of this household does not like that.
The first time my husband started behaving badly with me was when he asked me to wear a particular dress (from his office) for a wedding ceremony we were supposed to go to that evening. I was almost done doing that when the order came from the mother-in-laws' floor that I should wear the sari (etc etc) for this occasion. When my husband came back home and I told him that I was asked by someone downstairs (via their servants) to wear such and such and not the dress that he wanted me to wear, HE GOT FURIOUS. He trodded downstairs and did sometihng I do not know and probably enquired into the matter, and because of his rage I assume some of them got scared and told him something in self defence. So, he came back upstairs and to my surprise instead of being cool shouted at me. Events followed, I did not know as a new wife what wrong I had done to the family that every time my husband would comeback from office, my mother-in-law would say something to him so that when he would come upstairs to me, he would wether scold me, or make a very blunt face and of course HIT me like I have never IMAGINED the man who I loved so much, would.
This has happened several times in my life and I live on today too, with my one little daughter who is 15 now. I could not bear to have another child with him, cause I know he has a very short temper and he will hit that baby like he has hit my daughter when she was a baby. He has no control over his temper. No kind of healing helps, he has tried religious modes too, nothing helps!
I have tried to talk to him about these, although being hit and bruised badly, right in front of my daughter (who is practically growing up seeing domestic violence). I try to keep her calm in my private times, offering her advice that she can go ahead in life, have good education and be independent and not to pick the bad traits from mama and papa, rather the good things only. I did not stop there. I have also told my husband that he can divorce me if he wants to, I will not complain and whoever the daughter wants to stay with, she can stay with him/her. He hasn't paid heed to what I am saying, he does not want to divorce. I am in a dilemma. Maybe he loves me truely, but in a language that I do not understand or maybe it is my fault, if I did not make that prayer in the first place to have his love in lieu of mine, I would have had a better life because I am probably not being a very efficient mother and wife with the lack of true love that I have given up ages ago and probably he is not good at handling a situation where he has to be the one to love a woman.
What do you think?