I'm a Horrible Person

I know everyone makes mistakes, and I've certainly made my share of mine. They all seem to be related.

In my past i was emotionally and verbally (and occasionally physically) abused by disloyal, lying boyfriends, and friends. For a very long time I thought i was worthless and didn't deserve any better.

I met a boy we fell in love. I fell in love. We were together for over four years and then i found out he had lied to me about someone else, and possibly cheated on me. We ended up breaking up, but kept trying to work things out, then one day he just disappeared out of my life. I never saw him, he didn't return calls or emails. The last thing he said was that he loved me,.. it doesn't make sense :(

Since then i've had a hard time believeing in commitment.

I started dating another guy, but i didn't mean to. He asked me out on a date, i said yes, then a week later i found out he thought we were exclusive. I didn't correct him because i didnt want to embarass him or lose my friend... we've been dating for over a year now and i do love him, and i dont want to lose him as a friend, but i know i dont want to "end up" with him. He's a great guy, but i'm just not sure he's for me...

He was even slightly disloyal once... he was chatting up a couple of girls on the internet, sexually flirtting and what not, and i found out. I got mad, because i felt hurt, but im such a hypocrite...

...the problem is, i have become what I hated most... unfaithful. I've cheated on him, many times. :( I do feel horrible, and at first i cheated because i didn't feel like i was really in a relationship with him, i thought that my ex would come back, that it was only temporary. But then as he became my best friend, I began to feel guilty. Although I try not to, because i still have this "doomed" feeling about our relationship i've continued to make these horrible mistakes...

I got mad at him for flirting even though i've done way worse....

I'm not asking for advise, I'm just letting go of a secret.

1 Comment

  • newest
  • oldest
  • most replies
  • most popular
  • That's more than slightly perverted.

Account Login
Is this post inapropriate?
Is this comment inapropriate?
Delete this post?