I went insane... What do I do now?

My ex and I have had a rocky relationship as well as a rocky friendship.

We went back and fourth and back and fourth for years... every time but last time I left his life and he would pry his way back into mine and i would let him in. We broke up last in January but he came back in may and said maybe it could work, then he changed his mind. We started talking again in july, but he was uninterested and then contacted me again in august. He loved to talk on the phone we would talk for hours.

Then one day I filpped he meantion another girl and it got to me, I got mad, then he was mad I was mad. Then I got drunk and screamed at him for coming back into my life. Then we were just going to have a nice even clean break...

and then i really snapped... I started crying and begging him to come back and even threatened to stalk him (though i would never do that and am still so shocked and ashamed i did that).

Over this time this is the only time i've ever done anything like this. All his friends and my friends say that he's treated me like crap. This is the only time i've ever gone crazy like this and i am so ashamed of myself... after years and years. This is the only thing he's going to remember about me. He was always the one to come back into my life before and now he's never coming back again.
I want to apologize but i also don't wanna look like a stalker and really want to move on with my life if it's really over.
I want him, more than i want to breath... but it doesn't look like thats going to happen. What do I do now?

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