I hate ** now, it f***ed my mind up

Ever since I was a young boy, I was curious and interesting in **. Some of my mom‘s friends would get me Hooters magazines when I was 12 or 13 has early ** magazines for me. My mom also had friends that she would have babysit me when I was younger. I always had dreams of f*****g them. I remember one of them, pulling a candy out between their ** for me, and winking. A part of me thought that she was indicating that she was waiting for me to hit puberty or turn 18 when she could finally have me. I wanted her.

Years later, when I was 19 I first got into massive online role-playing apps. That’s when I first got into the text based role-play. Some of them started off very friendly and later I would do some sexual ones. I would have my first girlfriend through that app for a bit, and then we broke up after another user convinced me that the reason my girlfriend was not wanting to communicate outside of that app is because she was hiding something.

I broke up with her and had my suspicion confirmed when she revealed that she didn’t have any good reason to trust me, even though I never gave her a reason not to, I was polite and patient.

The other user who I was role-playing with comforted me during my emotional heartache and offered good advice. Keep in mind this person who I was talking to was 4 years younger than me. She then complemented and flirted with me and being the emotional guy that I am along with my autism I hate it up and was flattered. Then one day she asked me if I could be her boyfriend and before I could even respond she sent a picture of herself in a very **** way. Against my better judgment, mixed with horniness and depression and this unknown manipulation of her compliments and flattery, I ended up ****** myself to that pic along with the video that she sent me. We spoke like that for a few more days until I finally snapped out of it and told her that we couldn’t do this and that it would destroy not just my life but hers

She revealed that she was once the victim of abuse by a male family member of hers. She latched onto me because I was the only one who was really kind to her and she did that in order to try to keep me. She apologized. I never saved anything from our talk.

I was basically ***** by someone younger than me. But she would not be the last. Like an idiot I fell into the manipulation and influence of others, older and younger than me and now as of 2024 my mind is messed up and I’m trying to kick nsfw sites out of my life. I want to heal my brain and not become a monster.

If anyone is going to say that I’m a sicko or a monster, I understand your perspectives. Just know that I never chose to act like that at all. None of it was my own choice. People on those sites manipulated my mind so much and it almost made me do things to Family members or even pets of mine. But luckily, I’m able to pull myself back away from those, I admit my mind is messed up from years of exposure to that material and then getting onto apps where the real sickos of the world are.

If you wish to comment any advice, I would greatly appreciate it. May God be with you all and I’m glad that I didn’t hurt anyone. I’m glad to realize that it wasn’t all my fault and that I’m not a monster.

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