I'm a grown adult stuck in a child's body + venting of life

Basically I'm at my limit. I'm here because I truly have no one to talk to or share this with. I'm doing my best to stay alive for my cat at the moment. Anyway I'm 20m and like the title says I'm stuck in a child's body. I grew up in an extremely abusive home with a Chinese mother who thought I was the spawn of Satan or some ** so she abused the heck out of me. She also was constantly on drugs and selling herself yet she preached God to all she could. She used to lock me and my older brother up in the basement for days in dog cages. The worse part was that she took the bottom out so we had to sit on the grating. I have scaring from that on my knees and other parts of my body. My sisters were kept well though, she clearly preferred girls over us. Before she had any girls she would dress me as one and treat me like one, I have photos of 2-3 year old me dressed in pink with long-ish hair. Once she had a real girl she introduced the cage to me, one of my first memories was being in that cage. I was around 4 then. My brother was 7 years older and he still had to go to school, I remember in the mornings she would come down and unlock his cage and let him out. Fortunately for my brother his father came to the rescue and took him away. I remember waiting patiently everyday for dog kibble that my mom would occasionally throw at the cage. I didn't go to school until late probably around 6 or so? At that time I couldn't speak much of anything, I was dumb. I spoke no English and little Chinese so the teachers just overlooked me and thought I was disobedient. I would just stare at my teacher as she increasingly got angrier at me for not doing what I was told. Eventually as I got older my mom got worse with the abuse, throwing things, hitting me, sexually abusing me herself and letting others do it too for God knows what all while still popping out kids. I mean we were reported multiple times to CPS and they did nothing. By like 4th grade or so I realized a huge issue, I was small as **. Everyone was so big compared to me and even my younger sister was taller. Btw I did learn to speak English by then, I was actually really smart for some reason, I just always got bad grades because I never did my homework. (I later learned to do it in school) Anyway few years pass and I'm in middle school no bigger than I was and still being abused. I guess I didn't really know what was happening to me was bad because I was completely cut off from the world and brain washed as **. I don't know if people just ignored the fact that I looked 5 or what but nobody did **. My mom also never took us to the doctors unless needed for legal ** like school vaccines. I mean my mom was dumb and stupid but not dumb and stupid you know? She was smart in a manipulative way that I didn't know till later. Freshman year was when I finally got some help. This random kid who is now my best friend was obsessed with following me around. She later admitted it was because I was the only Asian in the entire school and she really liked EXO (a kpop group) and that she thought I looked like a kid version of one of the members. She was the first person to pretty much make an effort to be my friend and I ignored her for so long.. I feel bad about it still. Eventually I started talking to her, turns out that she actually lived like not too far from me so we started walking to school together. One day I was sharing a story about my mom and about how I wanted to be her favorite so I made sure to get good grades and always do what she told me. Mind you I was still super brainwashed and had no internet access or access to anything besides what I grew up with. I don't really know how but at some point we started talking about why I was small or if I liked it ? Not sure exactly but I know that I said something around the lines of that I didn't mind because all my mom's friends thought I was a perfect doll and I kinda spilled a bit saying like they treat me like a doll when they come and buy me toys and give me candy if I do what they want. I kinda just kept going and when I realized she stopped saying yeah I looked up she has this like horrible look on her face. I remember it so well that I can see it when I close my eyes. I legit just left her alone feeling like I did something horrible. Obviously she told her parents what she heard and for once something happened with CPS. Her step dad was an army dude and apparently made a huge fuss about it. I was taken to the hospital, examined, etc. Then placed into foster care, went to the psych ward a bunch of times due to multiple failed attempts and after that and eventually aged out. I was diagnosed with a bunch of ** and I'm on meds for life. I was sent to a community residence for a bit then I got an apartment with the help of disability. Although it appears I'm doing better on the outside I'm dying on the inside. I hate myself, I am constantly plagued with pstd and I fear no one will ever have a relationship with me because I'm physically a child. Yes, like literally. I have not hit puberty and I'm only 3'6, so no one takes me seriously and people I do find leave because they feel like a pedo. I'm constantly in a battle with myself. I have no family right now, my older brother did manage to find me but he's got his own life with a wife and **. All my younger siblings are lost in the system. I feel like I have no one. My best friend is moving away with her fiance so when that happens I'll really be alone. Im honestly only alive rn because of my cat, I know that if I die I'll ** have to go to a shelter because I have no one to keep him. I hate going in public because I'm just seen as a lost kid so I never leave my house. I thought about hormone treatment to go through puberty and maybe be seen as older but I don't wanna be a toddler with a beard because I know my town will talk. (It's a small conservative town). Sometimes I just wish I could maybe even embrace being this way and just act like a kid with no worries but I've got bills and so much to deal with. I feel like I was just born with a dirt spoon and will die with a dirt spoon.

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