i still love you.

it's not really a confession. or a secret?
but i still love you. i still g****** love you.
after f****** everything. you ruined my life!

i'm proper f***** up and after everything that's happened today, people are going to expect me to stop caring, just like they did after what happened before the summer, but i f****** won't.
i'll never stop caring. i'll never stop loving you. and i'll never stop missing you.
and i'll never accept that you don't miss me back.
i don't care if people say you don't, or if your friends say you don't, OR EVEN IF YOU SAY YOU DON'T. i won't f****** believe you because you do. i know you. and i know you do. you have to.

and for the retards that say i'm just in denial now.. it's been like 9 f****** months. denial doesn't last that long. i am not in denial.
i know you and how much i meant to you.
feelings don't just disappear.

you know the really really really REALLY sad thing?
i miss you because i need you.
because you would be there when no-one else was.
i miss you because you save my life.
i miss you because you took my dignity and now i want it back.
i miss you because i'm going to need you soon and you won't be there.
i miss you because you're not mine anymore.
through everything that went wrong in our relationship, i'd always say, 'it's cool, he's mine'. i was so f****** stupid.
you haven't been 'mine' for a long time.

goddammit. you know what's even f****** sadder?
you'll always be my bestfriend.
even though you hate me.
you always have been my bestfriend, ever since i met you. and now because you're all cool and have ditched me, i'm not changing how i feel.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT'S EVEN SADDER THAN THE SADDEST..?
when people ask me if i still fancy you, i'm all like
'nahhh, he's just my bestmate.'
and then they're like 'no, he's not anymore..'
then i shh. you can't argue with the truth.

i don't want to see you ever again. not because i have some f****** vendetta against you like you have with me.. but because i know until the i see you i'm going to be thinking 'you hate him, you hate him, you hate him' then when i see you, i'm going to f****** fall in love all over again.

i can't let go.
you're right, i'm emotional.
you're right, i'm a wreck.
you're right, i'm f****** nothing.
just know that you made me this way, i was fine before you left me.

you're a p****. i let you rule over me because i am weak.
i was weak ever since the beginning but you made me strong.
you made me not care.

i don't get why i f****** lie to everyone about it.
i make out that being your friend was something amazing.
it wasn't! it made fun of me non-stop and spat gum in my hair occasionally. i didn't find it amusing at all.
but i put up with it for the times that you liked me and cared.
but why the f*** should i have to put up with your s***?!

i'm shaking.

i'm so screwed up. one minute i hate you. the next i can't imagine life without you. then i want to kill myself. then i want you dead.

i want it to stop. just stop.

2 Comments

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  • all you can do is keep breathing.

    Those seven words have held me together through the worst of times, when I sware, I was right where you are.

    Breathe in, breathe out. Hate him, or love him, sometimes it takes more than nine months to truly be over someone.

  • Wow. If you don't wind up back with him, you'd make a fucken great writer. I felt that with you.

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