My mom doesn't ever seem happy with me..
I'm in highschool, senior,female, uh so I love my family. They're great and all, but I don't think I belong.
I am very close to my siblings, I love my parents, but I always seem to depress my mom. My dad is too busy and always at work, so he doesn't get the whole gist of it.So yeah....My older sister is a great student, A's and everyone likes being /around her.She's pretty too and very smart. While my youngest brother is super smart too, and flies through school like it's a breeze...My other brother though, is autistic, but he can build things that are pretty cool and pretty talented in the arts for his age and condition ! And there's me, I can draw I guess,(I love to draw) but it doesn't impress my mom...She says it's nice, great, but that's all. My friends and such say it's cool, my teachers in school seem impressed, but never my mom. I'm an average student in school, I try, but I guess I don't try enough..My friends are all smart AND artistic! I wish I was them, but I guess it's too late....cause apparently I only "use" to be smart in my mom's mind. It hurts, but I bet many people have it much worse..but yeah...it hurts you know...when your mom says "remember, when you use to be smart?You were such a great student....-" , but like I said before I bet a lot of other people had it worse, so I shouldn't feel too bad..
What makes it worse is that I might be bisexual, and my parents, both, hate/ despise h***/bisexuals. My dad makes fun of/insults them and my mom seems to think it was a curse/insults them too when my dad does, a bit. My sister is bi and has a lovely girlfriend right now. My mom was weeping and in disbelief and still is, thinking she will stop it one day, when my sister told her. My sister doesn't dare tell my dad..
It was heartbreaking when my mom snapped at her, though my sister is strong , and can snap back, but is afraid to hurt our mom.
Anyway at least my sister is smart and is doing well now :) It makes me happy for her.
My brothers are well ,too! :)
But as for me, I'm still stuck being the stupid child who gets average grades, who doesn't try to dress to impress ,unlike other girls, who is more as if a boy, whose bi, possibly, and can only draw, kinda.
I want my mom to be proud, but when I say things, she doesn't seem to understand, she just wants me to do my best, I know, but it hurts when you are trying and it doesn't seem to make them any less disappointed in you..
I just want to tell her at times, "hey aren't you proud of me yet mom,I can draw, or at least kind of depending on the person's opinion, at school my teachers seem to like having me as a student, I help my friends out in their situations and try to make them happier, I like this girl and even confessed to her a while back, I don't do drugs, or have s** or cheat. I don't skip classes,ever and never been absent for school. Even though I may not be girlie or have much of a girlie figure like my sister, can't you be happy for me? just the least bit..
And I can't stand it when she says that she can't wait till I get a guy and then I can get kids and such...and be rich, oh yes rich...
I don't want that though, I don't want a guy or to have my own kids, I want to adopt kids who need parents, I kind of want to be either a single parent or hook up with a girl, maybe, and as for the rich part, I don't want to be rich, cause that will change me, and make me see things differently, from "oh if I save this much I can do this and help this person and help the environment" to "oh I should do this and that but I Want to do this instead, oh what a bore" I don't want to become a snob, and I bet not a lot of people are snobs when they are rich, but still. I want to have enough money and live in a moderate, roomy home. Not too big, not too small...Yet my mom thinks that youa ren't happy till you are rich and such..
I cry every time I watch her give me that disapproving feeling, I just sense it and I can tell when she doesn't want me around... It's easy or maybe I'm just thinking too much..One of my dad's brothers/my uncle seem to like to say some rude comments about me, cause I have a more bigger build compare to my older sister, and such. That hurt too and I know my mom hates it that I have such a male build with broad shoulders, no b****, soccer player legs (that are short) and a wide/big rib cage. In school I look tiny, but at home, I'm just "a bit" bigger. I'm just short and stumpy and I like wearing bigger and more comfortable clothing, is it so wrong to..?
Anyway maybe it's just cause I'm a teen and in the years that make me extra angsty,who knows...she is also going through menopause too.My youngest brother who is the smart one seems to feel it too, it makes me feel bad for him..He is smart though and I hope he keeps it up.
It feels nice to just write out everything that's been inside my mind ,thanks.