I think my father turned me lesbian

I didnt know my father until i was eight years old.
All i wanted was a father daughter dance, someone to call me princess when i was little, and someone to pick me up and toss me in the air and safely catch me. Someone i could call “daddy”.
one morning he called us. my mom started crying.
He moved across country to move in with us. we fought all the time
he came in my room
he used me
he hurt me
he didnt rape me but he molested me over the course of 7-8 years.
Because of him i tend to be more afraid of men in general, i always see that “look” in their eyes. the one where they only want one thing.
i fantasize about girls.
i think my dad turned me into a lesbian
the saddest thing is, i am afraid to admit who i am. i never told anyone until a year after he was gone. now we are in legal action and im terrified to see him in court. if i see his face, i dont know what will happen. im afraid ill freak out and the judge will think im insane and making it up. im afraid i will go crazy and they will lock me in the insane asylum or something. i have nightmares about this stuff and my past with my father almost every night.
i feel more and more depressed every day but im too much of a coward to commit suicide.
for now.
i dont want this emotion to push me that far to the edge
but i know its comming, i can feel it
i need someone to help me before i do something i wont live to be able to regret.

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