Repressed sexuality rant
I love men. I was kind of in denial about it in high school and junior high because guys were usually such d**** to me. I'm bisexual, so I passed myself off as a lesbian. Guys would talk down to me all the time, openly judge me, or make almost violent sexual advances. Not someone I want to f***, right? Catcalls--they guys who whistle at you never want to f*** you, you know. If you walk up to most of them and say "lets f*** right the f*** NOW" not all of them will say yes. I actually took it upon myself to find out if these requests were sincere. I've heard several polite rejections, even after the guy was screaming "SUCK MY C*** B****!SUCK IT!" or something equally blatant. Apparently, boys think its funny to try and embarrass women in public with sexual comments. I don't really have any evidence, but I see their body language, the shifting snickers, the way they look more at each other than at you. Guys also think its OK to follow me for blocks without saying anything. I had a friend who was rumored to have gotten gang raped at a party and all anyone had to say was, "Well, she does really put herself out there..."
Guys always have to be "in charge" too. If my stepdad wasn't constantly holding the remote control, he would physically wrestle it away from whoever was holding it. I've heard older women talk about how insecure the men they date are about who earns what and how much. I've heard male feminists say, while discussing feminism with reluctant men, "Women can have equal rights, but we can still be in charge." WTF. There are so, so many jokes that men tell about women, but in my experience, it's not true the other way around.
So I've got these sexual desires I can never fulfill. I like s** with guys, but they usually...they don't really respect my sexual needs. I usually want more, and when they're done, they're f****** done and they don't really seem to care if I am. Because when the roller coaster shuts down, he closes the whole f****** amusement park. And its not just that. He always has to prove his superiority at every turn. Is he trying to impress me? He's got muscles, chest hair, a d*** and a wide jaw I'm already impressed. He won't tell you if he's only in it for s**, so you have no idea what feelings to invest in the relationship. Does he assume I'll leave if he just wants s**? Because I need s** too, and I'd like it from someone who's f****** honest with me. I don't have these problems with girls. I'm also not afraid girls will do someone murderously crazy. And that's just the vanilla stuff I'll let myself do with guys.
I've thought about sleeping with four, five, six men at once, but what would that get me? If I went around sleeping with the amount of men I want to sleep with, my life would be so over. At the very best, it would ruin my reputation, and at the very worst I might get harassed, raped or even killed. If I decided to make any of my bondage fantasies real, I'd just be putting myself in a vulnerable position with someone who doesn't even see me as a human being. No way I'd ever trust a man enough to let him tie me down, no matter how awesome the thought sounds. And you'd have to trust him. Which I f****** don't. Forget about me being the dom, I assume that boy subs are sort of well, not taboo, but rare within the S&M community. All the literature I've read has the woman getting tied up, never the man. I don't think sexual submission fits someone who is obsessed with being in charge all the time. I've thought in great detail about a*** s**, but I don't want to have to hear about me having a*** s** all over campus. Also, most guys are squicked by the thought of being the "catcher," even with a woman, but will beg and beg and beg and beg to be the "pitcher." Wow, that's really attractive, you guys.
In other words, I'm the superfreak of every man's apparent wet dreams, (you know, the dreams that they keep loudly talking about in front of their coworkers) but I'm afraid to act on it. You know why girls don't "put out," fellas? It's because you're all d**** and will make the world very ugly for us if we do.