What she really wanted?
She was a friend o a friends, invited just for that party. They introduced her to me but I did not gave much attention. We had some conversation togheter then remained only me and her and we continued to talk for a while. I had the feeling we both were enjoing this and I realized that I was unexpectedly attracted by that woman. I do not mean only phisically. There was something was sounding well. Chemistry.
Ok, we splitted and evenutally found each other again at the edge of a dancing floor. I don't like to dance and my friends knew it.
Me and her talked again a bit then she was grabbed onto the dancing floor by one of our friend but she retreated returning straight to me claiming that oh no, dancing is really not for her (I'd found out later that night that this was not true).
Then she convinced me on the dancing floor saying something like "c'mon both of us don't like but if I try you should'n let me alone, please".
I saw it was nonsense but yes, I was attracted and yes, a was glad she was asking me. She dragged me on a barely lit area and started looking in my eyes saying something and a crack in her voice was betraying a tension. I was attracted and yes I liked this and yes I felt that ok, I was there to accept her game. Would'n have resited but wouldn't have forced things in no way. Suddenly her voice relaxed when our hands naturally started seeking each other, slowly but insistently holding, caressing, interwining. Always slowly our hands caressed our arms and after the arms followed the same pattern our hands gently and insistently passed on each other shoulters, back, neck, face, hair.
Faces caressed each other and mouths got close a millimeter before touching, remaining there for a while.
When hands stopped exploring then the bodies got closer and we were holding fast each other.
And again the hands-play started over and then bodies were again looking for contact.
And this repeated again and again.
And herogen zone where never touched but nevertheless the excitement was growing.
I cannot say how long it lasted.
I really cannot even say how we left that spot but I remeber that after this we were sitting again together.
She wanted go out smoking so picked up a sigarette from her bag then looked again in my eyes and ask me to follow here, if I had wished. No need to say I wished. We reached the by-door where someone was already standing and smoking.
I had an arm around here waist and we talked a bit about non-things but keeping on looking straight each other in the eyes.
When someone else of our friends arrived in the lounge I left here waist and a guy from the group completely drunk started to tease and playing grossly with her.
And there you go: I couldn't understand why she was accetping that kind of approach!
I opted for the easier interpretation: she was bit lost because the beer. So my next decision was to archive the possibility that circumstances may have brought things to further developments because under alcool is not love, it is rape.
After we left the lounge and along all the remain of that night she behaved like at the by-door. Sometimes she was accepting the guys' gross approach on the dance floor and sometimes returned to me recommencing the caressing play as before.
Initially I accepted even if with less sensuality, because I did not want to get involved into a drunk-s** nightmare, but i did not want to become cold because I still liked her and the emotional contact (I believed) we had established before was for me a reason to feel her as special. It works like this to me I'm proud of it and will never change it.
And yet the more she indulged in this switching off between me and the gross guy the colder I was getting.
The last time she approached me that night I might have appeared definitively p***** off. For sure I remember that she asked my email.
I had no paper to write on and no mind to look for it. Then she looked for a piece of paper from her bag and when she found it she wrote her email address and gave it to me. She gave me also her cellphone number. She asked me two or three times to contact her in the next days.
Then she started telling me that that I am a great person and that she liked me really much and bla bla bla and probably I was too cold and tired at that point.
At the end, before she had to step on the taxi, again we have been staring each other in the eyes and suddenly she grabbed me so strongly I could feel her body through my winter jacket. And yes I accepted and responded the same way, because I had again the feeling that somehow she was not simply looking for me (because again feelings are important, It works like this to me I'm proud of it and will never change it :)).
The day after I knew she had ended sleeping in the same bed with the gross guy whose attentions she had accepted, both of them dead drunk. I was said they had oonly slept. But I saw no difference in it.
Now I'm feeling bad. Embarrassed for having believed that her opening was to me, right to me, only to me and therefore having believed that also emotions were acting on her side. Disappointed, becasue I feel my feelings have been hurted. But also suffering at the sight of a person whose soul looks like so troubled, incapable to give voice to her emotions and get what souds in harmony with them.
Me and the gross guy were simply opposite as night and day. She might have chosen him, I don't argue on this, or might have chosen me. But since she just bounced from one another getting simply what was available at the last moment let me the bitter feeling she was just looking for a male body to rub against, no matter whome that body belonged. I'm really sad and cannot understand why she behaved like this.