What are you doing to me?
I'm a normal mortal human being but I feel like I've been living a bit of a double life for some time now. I found the man of my dreams. The only problem was that said man just happened to be a model and aspiring rock star. The first time I spoke to him I didn't even understand what he typed so I assumed he was foreign....until I learnt that he was American.
Fast forward to a year later and I feel almost like I became an unpaid manager to him. I herd fans to him. I support and promote him on social media, I listen to his little angry outbursts and breakdowns. I know all about his secrets and about the fact that from where he sees it, Instagram fame IS fame. My tasks involve keeping that 'flying'....and I do. In exchange for that I get random pictures and videos and selfies, he's fought with photographers because he thought they upset me, he often snoops around my Facebook, Twitter and Instagram pages liking my personal pictures too. He even gave me his personal mobile number, he likes talking about us as some kind of team. Sometimes he fades out of existence from everything for a bit and then I see him jumping back up in full pelt running with more determination towards being good....and then he fades away. I know he has a killer crush on someone else in the industry who's really well known and sat through an entire grumpy chat he once had with me about how she gave him blue b****.
I was astounded at a rape allegation against him followed by a sudden explosion of comments about how he likes sending unwarranted d*** pics however the rape allegations were later on disproved by no evidence at all and the fact that he personally asked the accuser when exactly it had happened and her response was to break down and tell him she just loved him so much bla bla bla...it took a while though, then for me to trust him with anything at all. He gradually climbed the very steep ladder to me trusting him I guess what helped was the fact that the whole thing was dismissed as an attempt at making him look bad.
I'm not sure I expected the d*** pics...or the sexting. At first they actually upset me because I was pretty sure that I am asexual but then that changed quickly. He's just so beautiful as a person and so dark and damaged....people keep commenting on these things and I always stand up for him how he did for me....or tries to for me, sometimes going as far as giving me these pep talks.
The agonising thing is I'm not even sure why I suddenly find myself head over heels for him. It's upsetting because I don't even know if he feels anything at all. Him liking my personal pictures etc doesn't really help, nor do the words he says....nor do the comments by other people saying we're 'cute'...I don't believe there is anything there. Maybe he's a manipulative weirdo and yet sometimes his openness with me leads me to cringe at his naivety....I'm not even sure how or why he's chosen to be so open with me. The latest comment of 'one day when I'm super rich and famous, you're going to own the guest house or the pool house part of my huge house' made me blanche....it's impossible and yet actually so tiring. I don't believe there's anything behind his 'I f****** love you so much!' And 'I love you!' And various other things and I tell myself I couldn't care less....but I'm not sure how to feel.
The worst part is I can't tell anyone anything. No one in my life knows what I'm doing or about him. I act like there's no one and I can't even ask anyone for advice....I have to fake a front though sometimes I honestly just lie alone and feel like falling apart completely. I promised myself I'm just going to help him, not fall for him or feel anything for him and then calmly and quietly walk away.