Miserable? Or just dissatisfied?
I can't tell if my life is far enough off track that I need to do something forceful to right the ship, of if I'm just complaining about things too much.
I think I'm pretty good at my job. I've worked at it hard for 16 years and gotten promotions, raises, and I feel like I do it well. I try to be a good daughter, sister and friend.
I've got a boss who drives people crazy and makes them feel devalued, and a husband who, while basically a decent person, is needy and somewhat self-centered. He rarely gives me positive feedback, but he's never lacking in suggestions about more things I can do for him, to make him feel better, to make him feel loved, to make our marriage better. I used to care about this a lot more. Now basically I just shrug and get on with my day.
I'm 39 and afraid I'll never have a kid, as I've always wanted to. I'm afraid if I do get pregnant that I'm taking an unfair risk of bringing an autistic child into the world because I'm so old. I'm afraid that even if I'm fertile enough and lucky enough to have a perfect child, I'll go insane trying to raise him or her with a useless husband.
I love my parents incredibly much and I worry every day about the wretched time when I will no longer have one or both of them. And I wonder how I can complain about my life now when I know that after they are gone, I would give anything I have to get just one of these days with them back and relive it.
My career is in journalism, an industry that's capsizing and that people hate anyway, plus it's underpaid for a "profession." If I'd gone to law school I'd be employed for the rest of my life and be living in a house twice this size. Instead I'm facing increasingly worse working conditions as my workplace sheds staff and I have to pick up more work, with more night and weekend shifts, fewer holidays off and no prospect for things getting better. Every day I wonder if I should quit a career I've spent decades building, or if I'm just complaining too much, because I'm still making more than $50K a year in a field of my own choosing, where so many have already been laid off.
Each thing feels like a little bit more than I want to take. Most days aren't too bad. Then I look at the whole picture and think, how did I go this far wrong?
Thank you, anonymous Internet people, for reading :)