Passive aggression

I shared an apartment with one of my best friends (same s**, and platonic, if that makes a difference to you). we were friends for a while, but once we started living together all of our mental baggage came out and we began to hate each other. He had a lot of trauma in the past including his father dying at an early age and some other social problems. I came into the apartment with my own issues. a long history of social problems like being really shy and severely abused as a child as a result of my shyness. I'm no psychologist, but i'd say we both had PTSD from various traumas we had in the past. We both had a lot of anger and frustration built up inside. initially this shared internal aggression is what attracted us to each other. This aggression manifested in our humor, social style, and musical tastes. it was great being friends with him when we had our space, but once we were living in close quarters it is too much to tolerate. There wasn't enough room for the both of us in the apartment. Not physically, it was actually a very spacious apt, we both just harbored an enormous amount of suppressed anger and were forced to keep it inside 100% of the time while living together. I haven't had that much trouble living with people in the past, because the others i've lived with haven't been as negative, brooding, and angry as myself on an everyday basis. i was normally surrounded by "normal" or more upbeat people that balanced out my anger. Living with this guy on the other hand, was the polar opposite of a yin yang, it was a pressure cooker. a cauldren of hate, despair, and depression. After a while my anger began to project onto him and i became irritated by every single thing that he did, from minor habits, to not paying the bills on time or taking the garbage out. I undifferentiated, amorphous hate that i normally felt on a daily basis, was directing at him and i began to absolutely loath him. I suspect that the same thing was happening to him, although I couldn't tell you for certain because the communication breakdown had already started. we hated each other, but at the same time we were stuck in the flat because of our 1 year lease. With time it became worse and worse as our anger built up and simultaneously we were both forced to put on an increasingly more saccharine persona in order to conceal our hatred. a most mask of friendliness was required in order to block the boiling intensity of our anger. we would walk around with big fake grins and smiles and insincere greetings in order to contain and disguise our inner insanity and vicious nature. As this fraudulent, passive aggressive persona grew thicker and sweeter, the inner rage grew ever stronger as it was caged. It got to the point that we both were behaving very much like charles manson or the joker on a daily basis. walking around with a huge grin or wry smirk, but internally wanting to beat the other one to death. after the year's lease was up, we obviously went our separate ways and haven't talked since in the last 2-3 years. I guess that isn't too surprising given the circumstances, I just feel awful that this had to happen between me and one of the best friends i've ever had. I do realize that this wasn't entirely my fault, and he was equally to blame, but still i feel terrible for what i've done. I lost him, scared him shitless for a year straight, and will never talk to him again. I guess i am confessing this to releive the strain from my consciousness and to assure myself that it wasn't entirely my fault and i'm not a monster, and that this situation does not have to repeat itself in the future. i don't have to be afraid to live with people again in the future. i don't have to be afraid of people on the streets. they are not him, the don't hate me. i am a good person inside, and frankly so was he, he was just troubled, in the same way i was. i don't want to punish myself for this any longer. i can trust other people again. I need to tell myself that this was an isolated incident and i can relax now. But not such an isolated incident that it can never happen again, because then I would be opening myself up to this situation recurring. On the flipside of the coin I shouldn't be paranoid and hypervigilant of someone lurking around every corner to attack me or be angry at me. its been years, i need to move on. it is now time to move on and leave this in the past. forgive me collective unconscious

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  • Ease up on yourself. Living with people is hard! We all have roommate horror stories to share. And living with your best friend, can be bad for a friendship. It's true. You never truly know someone until you actually live with them! And sometimes you don't want to know. You've taken responsibility for your actions...Have you ever thought about contacting him? Some time has passed..he may not hold anything against you. Just a thought...

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