I just need to get it out there.

I was never one to cut or contemplate suicide. In high school, I was the upbeat artistic well-mannered girl who was actually going somewhere. When I got to college, I started getting depressed after a couple years. I started to realize how much my parents held me back and how many mistakes they made even though they tried to do what was best for me. They held me back artistically, emotionally, and socially. They expected me to magically grow up and figure out things on my own. I tried but I just failed. I tried so many times but it became to hard to just get out of bed for days. I ended up dropping out of college. I have so much hate built up against my parents. Everything I wasn't allowed to do, my younger siblings get to experience. I wasn't allowed to dance because I had to do martial arts. I wasn't allowed to make costumes because it was a childish hobby. I wasn't allowed to pursue acting because it wasn't a stable career, yet my siblings are allowed to do all of this. And my family wonder where all my anger comes from? I have student loans and no degree. I was told if I didn't go to college I would be completely cut off. My brother didn't go to college. My sister's majoring in acting. My parents are discussing only letting the youngest apply to community colleges. I'm just so upset with how they set me up for failure and I ended up so emotionally and financially dependent on them.

Now, they're threatening to kick me out because I took a box. My siblings have been stealing my belongings and because I decided to take one box back, I'm overreacting. My parents have known that for the past few months I've been setting plans to move out. The planned date was a few weeks from now. I've only been home for four months yet I'm a burden. My brother graduated from high school three years ago and never moved out. He has money to purchase multiple gaming systems, a sports car, and a motorcycle yet no money to move out. I'm just so sick and tired of living. I have a job but no career. I have student debts but no degree. I have a family that just uses me to place the blame on. I'm an example of failure my parents use to compare my siblings to. Years ago, I never had this much anger and I don't know what to do with it. I was never this cynical or pessimistic. Over the past couple years, I have thought about suicide on almost a weekly basis. Honestly, if I had never found my boyfriend I would have killed myself by now. I just remind myself that if this one person can love me so much when I am at the lowest I've ever been, maybe I shouldn't kill myself. Maybe when I move out within the next few weeks and get away from my poisonous family, I'll be better. He doesn't know how depressed I really am. He doesn't know I have these suicidal thoughts. He just knows I'm upset and angry. He reassures me it'll be better, that he's been through depression and that I'll get better with time. I just don't know if I'm worse than he was. I just know that when we're talking, I'm no longer angry or upset. When we're physically together, I revert back to my old upbeat childish self. I don't know where I was going in this. I was hysterically crying when I started this and now I'm smiling while crying.


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