[Trigger Warning] I dont think I can bring myself to care anymore

I hate this world. I don't like my family. They're so toxic, dysfunctional. If this is what family is, then I don't want it.

I'm tired. I'm tired of being scared not knowing when my stepmom is gonna hurt me. I'm tired of being insulted every time I do something. I'm tired of my family blaming me when my "parents" are fighting. I'm just so tired.

I want to die, but I don't want Jesus Christ to be sad when I meet Him in Heaven. Saying something like; "It wasn't your time, you were so young."

But I just want to feel happy again. I want to feel safe again. I know people have it worse than me, I know there are people out there starving, not even having the slightest of education, or their "necessities" provided. But is it all worth the abuse? The tears? In the dark when everyone else is sleeping?

Is it worth losing my Integrity? My dignity? Violating my own morals until I suddenly don't know which is right and which is wrong? The loneliness I feel? And lack of feelings there-of? Is it worth it at all?

I'm not even learning anything in school. My attention span is so short, and I can't even retain any information properly. I can't do anything right, no matter how many times I try to. I was angry at first, very angry and all I did was loathe. I keep going out of my way to help people thinking it would prove my usefulness, that they wouldn't leave me. I think this is just because of my abandonment issues.

I know something is wrong with me mentally, I cut myself every night when I was in 7th grade for crying out loud. And I only stopped because I promised my dad I wouldn't do it anymore.

"You're 17. You're f****** older now, get over it." I should understand why this is happening to me. What's the cost of surviving because my own dad can't raise us financially by himself. But I don't want to. I'm tired of always being the one who needs to "understand".

I am not allowed to express my anger, or any negative emotions at all without being punished. I've been angry, all I felt was anger towards the world, my dad, my mother, my stepmom, my family, at myself, MY STEPMOM, myself. At everyone who hurt me.

At the end, it just made me sad, I f****** hate this. I hate feeling so hateful. I hate it all.

I just want to feel safe, I want to stop, being such a bad person, and I'm trying my best, but I know trying isn't enough, I just want a break, is that, too much to ask for?

8 Comments

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  • Stop making your Dad's wife your scapegoat. Your actual parents should be dealing with your issues so that you will have the tools to move out and take care of yourself. All of this is on THEM not HER.

    Probably your poor Stepmother did way too much for you even though you're not her responsibility only for you to name her scapegoat and throw her under the bus.

    What do you mean she "hurts" you?

  • I had a way worse upbringing than you did. But I am no longer a child, am white, and don't have kids. Therefore nobody has ever given two $hits about helping me recover from my formative years and learn how to use my voice and intelligence-- I'm not in a fashionable enough demographic. What progress I've made I've made myself, and it's made me stronger than anyone I had to deal with before. Which means I have no time for them or their kind.

    You think you're "tired"? LOL, oh dear god. Wait until you've been living with your current view of life for 30 more years or so! Also, I have never "needed" to cut to deal with any of this-- that's a pathetic bid for attention and just because "everybody" in your school is doing it doesn't mean it isn't lame.

    Now hurry up and say something reflexive and stupid to alleviate your injured little fee-fees. It won't be anything I haven't heard before, and probably won't be all that intelligent either. Better yet, shut up and listen to people who have been where you are plus a lot more. You might actually learn something.

  • What!! What are you? This person will not listen to you.
    You have a lot if issues. The doctor couldn't help you.
    Now you say something stupid. How about you shut up and let this so called human vent about nothing

  • ^trigger^

  • We have sheltered our kids so much they don't know how to accept that life isn't like those on t.v.
    You're not the most abused but your family is not the best for sure. None are really. If it's tuff move out get a job. Is facing life as an adult worse than death?
    Lol, come on now. There is so much more to experience! You aren't curious as to what's around the corner?
    It's going to be great! Quit waiting for someone to show up and offer it to you, go out and find it! :)
    Arthur

  • Who us Authur??
    Well for you info not not friend
    Adult life us stupid.

  • Welcome to life! It is a bee ich But it is so much better then death. Besides wait till you get older it only gets harder and harder. So hang in and wait for the next problem to come and you will see how easy you have it now.

  • Life is a bee ich and death is better. Never trust the living

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