The girl I'm absolutely in love with is back with her ex. He moved across the country to live with her. It's killing me. When I see them together I literally feel sick. My stomach gets tight, I feel nauseous, and I have to think to keep my voice from quivering and my hands from shaking.
A few weeks before I realized he was coming to live with her and possibly before she realized she would get back with him she told me she had a crush on me. I had a crush on her then too and when she told me I was really happy. I've never had anyone I liked so much like me in return. Her telling me this probably made me like her like twice as much as I did before. I had no idea about her boyfriend coming down in a few weeks and thought she might seriously like me so I let guard down a really let myself fall for her. I was planning on asking her out within a week or two of her telling me, but then out of nowhere she goes on this road trip to bring her ex-boyfriend to live with her.
I kind of want to be mad at her because I felt like she might have been leading me on, but then again I don't know if she really planned on getting back with her ex, maybe she thought he'd move over here and they'd just stay friends... Also, I guess I can't really blame her for not expecting that revealing she had a crush on me would have such a crazy impact on my emotions and life. I'm still not sure if she really knew how much I liked her. I'm honestly still not even sure if she knows I like her now. I can only imagine from what I pick up from stuff like body language and eye contact and, of course, I can never ask her to clarify this stuff because it might look immature, desperate, and maybe like i'm trying to make her feel guilty for not liking me or something. If I can't have her, I do want her to feel pain like I do, but only if she's hurting from not being with me like I do for her. I want to have power over her like she has power over me. I don't want her to feel guilty and pity me for breaking my heart. If she really knew she broke my heart I'd imagine, maybe on top of some real guilt, there would a tiny piece of her that felt happy and desirable for getting someone to like her so much that it caused them pain.
I kind of hate her for being with her boyfriend and not me, possibly knowingly leading me on, and being the source of all of this pain and distraction, but then at the same time I can't seem to stop loving her for being such a amazing person otherwise and because I still have hope she might like me a bit.
Also, I f****** hate her boyfriend. He is a f****** idiot loser who has and probably will never do anything with his life. He has no job, no skills, no apparent ambitions, and is living off her mom. I really, really don't understand what she sees in him and it's a whack to my self esteem to think that she chose such an oaf over me. He f****** loves her though and makes it very apparent. I guess that was my mistake. Although I was ready to be open about really liking her after she told me she had a crush on her, but then almost immediately she goes off the pick up her f****** neanderbro boyfriend... I'm both happy and sad about never telling her in words how much I liked her before she got back with her ex. I still wonder if she might have chosen me if I had told her I liked her before she went to get him, then again i'm glad I didn't tell her and make myself vulnerable only to have her get back with her ex.
God If I can't be with her, I just want this pain to go away and for me to stop thinking about her. I can't see these feelings really fading anytime soon unless another amazing girl who's interested in me comes around, which is sort of a rare occurrence, or for her and her boyfriend to break up eventually and for her to maybe still want me by then. It's probably not healthy for me to keep up hope for us being together in the future, but really I don't know how to extinguish that dream. I'll probably keep liking her as long as I keep believing that there aren't better girls out there in the world of my daily life who I might be able to start a relationship with.
I'd love for another amazing girl to fall in love with me. That would be nice. That would make things better and is the only short term solution I can think of. It's pretty unlikely though. So unless some crazy luck comes my way and another wonderful girl who likes me strolls into my life, I can really only pray that time will heal, make me forget about her, and change my perspective so she doesn't seem so amazing...
If you read this and have any thoughts or advice please share them.