Why stay? Because I obviously hate myself to much to go.

We have been together since i was 16. Married shortly after my sixteenth birthday actually. I loved you like none other.We had our first son when i was 17, second a 19, and our little girl a short while after my 21st birthday. I loved you. I loved you with my entire being. I love you more than i ever loved me. I think i always have. You cheated on me the first time a few months after we were married. It continued that way over and over... woman after woman and i always forgave you. Last summer you had an affair with a woman at your job. You two gave me herpes. I forgave you yet again after months of fights and more crying than i have ever done in my life. I find myself now hating you as much as i love you and its very conflicting. While on one hand i can not see my life without you. I can not sleep without you, can not think without you, and in the same breath i can not stand you. I hate to look at you, hate to kiss you, hate to touch you. Your are contaminated with my hate and i cant see anything else in your eyes. I can get off when we have s**. I have not been able to in years without fantasizing myself some where other than with you. I cant find the courage to cheat and the one time i almost did i was diagnosed with herpes weeks later. I was infatuated in him and now i cant stop thinking about his kiss or the way it felt in his arms. None if it was real with him either which is why i could never sleep with him although my body wanted it more than anything else.
Now i look at you every day and hate you. Im sure your cheating again which hurts again but i cant stop hating you enough to muster the "care" to ask.
Why is it that i can pick myself up out of the dirt and leave? I love you and hate you are the very same time. Bittersweet.... Your going to be the death of me....

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  • He cheated on you several times,after you married each other and you still forgave him,by popping out three babies.Talk about trapping yourself,even further.It would've been easier to dump him,if you didn't have any children with him.Now,your children are involved aswell.Do yourself a favour and dump his a***.Do it soon,before your children are old enough to know,their father is a cheating c***!!

  • it is hard to find happiness in life when you are misrible all the time. The perosn above is right - you need to find the courage to leave him. it IS HARD. but its what right for YOU. you deserve better. and sure all kids "need a dad" but there are so many kids out there with divorced parents who are better off because they are raised in homes filled with love, not misery. good luck

  • nice last line. is that from a Muse song?
    with three kids obviously its going to be difficult. my mother has been supporting my brother and me, and I saw and still see how difficult it is for her. but you should master the courage to leave him... yes you're used to him, but do you really want to take this pain for the rest of your life? on the other hand kids need a father and you're being strong for staying with him through his s***. this is conflicting. hope all turns out well.

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