Destroying my life & soul...

I am 35. I have two children who are 15 and 12. For 15 years there has always been a slight doubt in my mind as to whether my daughter's father is who I think it is. The same father as my 12yr old son. We aren't together but we are good friends and we have always shared the kids and raised them as one unit.

Over the last couple of years, I have really started to question the paternity of my daughter. Why are her feet so small? Why is she not as tall as our son? I find myself staring at her and trying to find any little physical feature that I can match to her father (which is hard because she looks exactly like me). And sometimes when I look at her, all I can see are the characteristics of the other maybe father. I cant work out whether its my mind playing tricks on me or not.

I finally got the b**** to ring a DNA clinic yesterday but I really don't have the money for the testing without my BF finding out and I cant exactly swab the mouths of a 15 & 12 yr old without them asking a million questions and telling their dad.

I have always been angry and never settled and I know that this is the reason. The unknown is killing me. I cant sleep. I cant love my boyfriend fully. I cant be what I think is a decent human being because I hate myself so much.

Sometimes I forget about if for an hour or so and then convince myself not to worry and that her father is her father. But I cant be sure.

I have never told a soul any of this. This unknown is destroying my life and I would rather kill myself than destroy my daughter's life if it were to be that her dad isn't actually her dad. I would lose everything and everyone if I was to say something, so I just cant. The lives of countless people would be ruined forever. God someone please help me, I have no one to talk to and I'm only just hanging on. Please don't judge me.

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