I Wish I Knew
I've been with my current boyfriend for six months and I'm not sure why anymore...
I guess, maybe, it's because he was my first everything.
At eighteen I'd never once even been attracted to a guy, sexually or otherwise, and not to any girl either so at least I always knew it wasn't because I was gay, not that I would've been so devastated if I would've realized I was gay... Well, that was before I met him.
It wasn't like he was the first/only guy to ever take an interest in me and I just threw myself at him either. Other guys had asked me out and hit on me, I even made out with a couple of guys throughout high school just to see... But there was no spark... Except with him.
With him there were SPARKS! I met him through my roommate and texted him for a couple of weeks and talked to him on webcam, but it was casual. He made me happy and even a little flirty and nervous sometimes, but until we finally met face-to-face at my brother's party, I was convinced we were friends. I'd never felt anything like it. I could feel in the air and on my skin like a physical touch, which after some time together at the party and a drink or two, turned into a craving like I'd never even kind of felt before. And before you think it was just physical attraction/l*** it wasn't. Yes, I find him attractive, but I've made out with and been hit on guys who were even more attractive and felt nothing. It wasn't how he looked so much as it was just HIM. I even ended up making out with him in my brother's kitchen in front of my brother and everyone, a first as I would've never done that with anyone else in front of my family before, and then taking him outside to make out with him very intimately in his car, another fist as I'd never been so into a boy I felt the need to drag him away from a party and others just to have him to myself. We spent the entire night together, kissing and talking and holding each other... I know it sounds corny, and I'll admit it is, but it was special like I'd never known special could be.
We started dating exclusively the next day, and he became my first boyfriend. A week and a half later I lost my virginity to him.
It was all very quick after that first meeting, I know, but I'm a strong believer on acting on instinct and it all felt right. No, not because I was just h**** or lonely because I'd never felt either or those things ever before. Everything was right because it was right with HIM.
He told me he was in love with me, the first boy to say that to me, and for the first time I'd ever said the words with a romantic thought behind them, I told him I loved him too.
Honestly, it was like magic to me. How he made me so happy and giddy all the time. How he made me want to be around him. How he made me actually CARE about him, the first boy I ever cared for in a way other than a friend or brother. How he felt so strongly about me too. It amazed me like magic and the sparks burned so bright and hot it was like I was drugged with passionate happiness sometimes.
Slowly... Or maybe it was quicker than I've realized.. but this all faded for me. For him too, I think.
We used to talk all the time, even if it was about absolutely nothing. Now we hardly talk at all even though I know there's so much more we could talk about. And that doesn't bother me in the least, which consequently, is why it bothers me the most. I just don't care if we talk anymore and it seems he doesn't either.
And our spark... When we were around other people it always felt like we were both just waiting, counting the moments until we could be alone and our time alone was never enough to us. Like all we wanted was to be together and most of the time, intimate as much as possible every time we could. Now... well, that doesn't matter either. At first that beautiful spark turned our intimacy into a sort of routine: when we slept over at each other's places we both just kinda knew s** would happen when we went to bed. Now that spark is just gone. We'll spend the whole day alone together and barely kiss, not make out or touch or play at all, and not have s** that night when we go to bed and only maybe that next morning. But still, I shouldn't complain about that probably because although the s** is too far apart and few for me, it's not bad. It's not as intimate as it was, but it's not passionless, if that makes any sense...
The point of this though is that I don't get butterflies anymore and I don't feel any spark between us. He doesn't make me smile anymore, ever, and he doesn't smile anymore either.
When we're in bed and he's holding me only sometimes can I grasp that fleeting feeling of being happy and comfortable and safe and warm in the arms of my lover, my boyfriend. Other times it just just feels like I'm being held by no one of importance or that I'm snuggled up to nothing more than the equivalent of my body pillow or blankets and sometimes it just feels like a nuisance to be held while I sleep, like being tangled up in silk sheets in the summer when before it felt like the greatest thing in the world every time.
And I know it must be the same for him at least sometimes because he used to always have to hold me when we went to bed or he couldn't sleep. And he used to kiss me on my head in his sleep whenever one of us moved and disturbed him even a little. Now he sleeps just fine without me and he'll sleep with his back to me and he never kisses me in his sleep.
He used to give me compliments all the time. That I was smart and funny and amazing and interesting and awesome and cute and beautiful and even classy and elegant once, lol. Now he just says "You're pretty." Almost like he's reading a line. Never with any variation and always in the same tone. He gets gets went I just sigh instead of saying my usual line of "Thank you" but honestly it hardly feels like a real compliment, it's just a word to me now with no meaning.
I like to go out and he doesn't but when we first got together he went out with me without one complaint and now he won't even consider doing it for me when I beg, and there's not a thing I don't like to do that I'd consider doing for him anymore even if he begged. We just don't care about making each other happy anymore I guess, nor do we get excited about seeing each other even though we can only see each other every other week.
The big kicker is that he'll still bring up a future between us every now and then. He just expects we'll stay together like we have been, although frankly, I have no idea why. To me, and all my friends and family, it's so obvious we're not right for each other, but he won't admit it even to himself, I guess.
I don't know. I don't FEEL for him like I used to and I don't think he feels the same for me either, because he acts like he doesn't, but I don't know if maybe things cooling off is normal in a relationship cause I've never been in one before let alone a long-term one...
I just wish I knew if I still love him, or maybe if I ever really did if it faded in only six months, and if I should break this off or let it continue to see what happens...