Scared

I've long been excited by the thought of rape, and while I'm not proud of it, for the most part I've lived with it because those thoughts never strayed outside the setting of me alone in my bedroom -- i.e. pure, nonthreatening fantasy. Today that changed, subtly but profoundly. I was hanging out alone in a rec room, and a pretty girl walked by, into the bathroom. Noting that she and I were the only ones around, the thought entered my head, more or less verbatim: "this is opportunity."

I quickly realized it wasn't: even if the assault weren't interrupted, I had neither a condom nor gloves nor a mask, so between DNA, fingerprints and facial recognition I'd likely be caught after the fact. If I had been able to get away with it, I still don't think I would have tried, and indeed the thought so bothered me that I left immediately. But the thought did enter my head. It's no longer just fantasy. Clearly I've got the important qualities that make a rapist -- and I really don't want to be one! Can I trust the control I exercised today? Is there any way I can assure myself that I'm not a s** crime waiting to happen?

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  • I had those fantasies for a long time. I have to tell you that when I finally acted on them it was the most intense sexual experience of my life. I particularly enjoy forced sodomy because the crying really excites me as does the blood.

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