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Scared
I've long been excited by the thought of **, and while I'm not proud of it, for the most part I've lived with it because those thoughts never strayed outside the setting of me alone in my bedroom -- i.e. pure, nonthreatening fantasy. Today that changed, subtly but profoundly. I was hanging out alone in a rec room, and a pretty girl walked by, into the bathroom. Noting that she and I were the only ones around, the thought entered my head, more or less verbatim: "this is opportunity."
I quickly realized it wasn't: even if the assault weren't interrupted, I had neither a condom nor gloves nor a mask, so between DNA, fingerprints and facial recognition I'd likely be caught after the fact. If I had been able to get away with it, I still don't think I would have tried, and indeed the thought so bothered me that I left immediately. But the thought did enter my head. It's no longer just fantasy. Clearly I've got the important qualities that make a ** -- and I really don't want to be one! Can I trust the control I exercised today? Is there any way I can assure myself that I'm not a ** crime waiting to happen?
I had those fantasies for a long time. I have to tell you that when I finally acted on them it was the most intense sexual experience of my life. I particularly enjoy forced ** because the crying really excites me as does the blood.