A depressive optimistic

Maybe sometimes the better a person seems to be the worse they really are.
Well ,that's me. The eternal optimistic , the one who only sees the bright side of life , always. the one who's always wearing a smile no matter what , and trying to give others one.
I cut. I have slit my wrists and my lower stomach. Still my lower stomach is the safest place to cut because unlike the wrists , it is not visible.
I started to lose faith on life and I desperately need someone or something to show me life's worth it.
I think i might have issues. When I'm angry or upset I start scratching my hands with my fingernails until I see blood or at least leave marks. The best part? it doesn't seem to hurt. Also the other day I pulled some of my hair off. It seems when I hurt myself all of that anger is released.
No one knows. I'm tired. I think thinking about suicide is pretty normal, isn't it? I mean everyone , in one point or another have to had thought about it.
and frankly the only reason of why I wouldn't commit suicide is because of my family. I don't care about all the other f****** world.
I'm scared, what if I'm really sick? What is a serious depression is growing inside me? what could happen next?
I'm alone.

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