On the drive home, i seriously considered driving into a tree
I thought about driving off the road. I questioned the pros and cons of coming home and cutting my wrists. I thought about what else I could do, based on what I have in my house. Eventually, I decided against it, but this isn't the first time I've thought about it by a long shot, and it's been happening more and more frequently lately-- and the "pros," while still behind the "cons," are gaining.
A coupe of miles later, I thought about calling a friend, but I couldn't think of anyone who I wanted to bother with my "whining." Which struck me as stupid, because if anyone I knew was thinking about killing themselves, I wouldn't consider it whining. And yet I freeze up if I even think about talking about it with someone.
I write a lot of comments I don't submit and journal entries I never post. By the time I finish them, I usually start thinking I should just suck it up and stop whining. Or, that what I wrote is stupid and pathetic and that everyone who reads it will think I'm a moron, or just generally worthless. Or that no one will care at all, and it really doesn't matter anyway.
...I'm considering deleting this post on the same basis.
I don't think I *really* want to kill myself-- at least, not right now-- but I can't bring myself to object to falling asleep and just... fading away. And it scares the s*** out of me.
I'm going to submit this now before I give in to the urge to delete it.