Fighting for my sanity

You know for someone that tries to(or too?) be an intellectual I've always failed. I've failed everyone, but myself. From the very beginning I knew deep down inside I could never succeed. I wish the feeling of at least feeling something would have the courtesy to(too?) visit me every now and then. What I have done to deserve this phobia? This plague that has manifested my body? I read on article on an it earlier that social phobia in extreme cases can lead to(too?)depression(got me there), schizophrenia, OCD, and other phobias and mental disorders. I'm highly likely to get any more or less of these if I keep on going on like this. Why technically I'm talking to myself right now, I have to watch myself harder than ever now. I'm done asing why. when, and what to the problems of society and myself. All I should be asking anymore is:will it ever get better? Half the time I'm trying to tell myself that I'm wrong about all the negative thoughts and etc., but I'm afraid such behaviour could give me even more problems. This itself is saddening. I am the most hypocrtical and contradictive person I know. When I say or promis things I really really mean it, because I hate liars; but then I might find myself not being able to do anything because I'm trying to fight out of a slump or a panic attack. I mean h*** I AM talking to myself right now. Maybe should just let the madness consume me and never worry about anything again...
Its the only way I can think of to happiness I haven't tried yet, but is it truly worth trying. The only way to find out would be by doing. I read over these thoughts and fully realize I might be insane already, or maybe I might be so consumed by my phobia and depression I might have a phobia-phobia to anything that can hurt me aswell, because I'm tired of being hurt.
My mom is done with my problems, she might be in denial. My farther thinks nothing is wrong with me, but I know he is wrong. He is only paranoid because he doesn't trust psychatrist. My sister well never home so I wouldn't know. Why I'm contemplating suicide right now, even though I now it would lead straight to h*** I see no difference; but then there is no point. I'm just destined and bound to suffer for eternity. Being an introvert, thoughtful, and to nice has done me in. I dunno how to be angry, or rather I don't really feel that emotion. Just emptiness. I doubt there is any help for me that my parents will actually let me have. By the time I'm grown up I could easily be insane by then. I feel like I'm slipping out of reality every now and then right now as I'm typing this. I'm going to high school soon and the mere thought of that sickens me and almost makes me have a panic attack in the comfort of my own room. I'm done, there is nothing good for me in this cruel world.

Jul 6, 2011

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