I am a prostitute

I have been raped multiple times and sexually abused as well. I am just 18. Raped by 6 different people since I was 17. First sexually abused at 4. Sexually humiliated/abused severely when I was 12 by 9 people.

I have DID/MPD. I am convinced so much that I am a worthless s***. I worked as a private prostitute for the past year because I felt I belonged there and I believe this is my destiny. Since I was 15 I gave blow jobs to willing men ages 15 - 20.

At clubs I am often a go-go dancer and would pole dance for hours until a man chose to take me to a hotel and paid me good money for s**.

I hurt everyone doing this. But my MPD makes me do it. I am not even aware that I am doing it and I would wake up in the morning, in my car or in a hotel and find the money I was paid and that I smell like s**.

Part of me enjoys doing it. I am a flirt by nature and I love clubbing and being seductive, but I don't like this random s** and being a prostitute, but I feel I am meant to be. My boyfriend has stood by me, because he knows the one who is cheating on him is not really me. I love him so much.

I am a gay male.

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  • Alright. Bad stuff happens but that does not mean you have to be bad for the rest of your life! I do not believe in illnesses. It is still you, just your mind does not want to admit what has happened in the past and shuts down those memories. It does not have so much control over itself that it then jumps right into the point where it has to re-live it - hence the so called other personality.
    What I would do is assure myself that whatever happened to me in the past, I would think : 1) It was not my fault 2) I did not deserve it 3) I did not want it 4) I am done with it.
    As the next step I would try to visualize my life at that age as none if ever happened and grow your life (in your imagination) accordingly. It will allow you to build your piece and free your mind. On day you will look back at those initial events and know they finished the same moment when they started and you are still the same good person as you has been before. Good luck

  • F*** you're dumb. People like this guy here cannot reassure themselves. They are mentally scarred. Imagine, every waking minute of your life you revisit your worst traumatic experience and you have no control over it? Not nice huh.
    A split personality disorder is not like any mental illness. It is one of the worst. Imagine another person living inside of you. That is what this person is going through. They cannot have any control over that person. It's hard to digest for people who have not experienced it, but my GOD! Research before you put such a stupid comment like this. The poor boy would feel even worse. Go research MPD/DID.

    Hey OP, just saying. Don't listen to this person. Anyone who does not believe in mental illness is a blind git who hasn't done proper psychology studies unlike me. I wish you good luck and I am so happy for you that you have such a supportive boyfriend. Life is tough, I understand. But don't off yourself. You may feel as if you are suffering, but sweetie. Your bf needs you. If he has stood by you like this, then you are his whole life and I am sure he is worth living for. <3

  • Thats what the devil wants you to feel like honey-worthless. Jesus loves you and loved you so much to die on the cross for you. He is the way, reject the lies you have been fed-run to him.

  • I was just about to post about my DID history. I used to have it too. My behaviors were different, but I remember the horror of finding out what you did after the fact. I couldn't find a qualified enough psychologist, and my utter shame held me back from searching around much. I ended up finding a therapy-type meet-up kind of a group, and it helped me to get started on healing and self-integration.

    I ended up finding ways to identify the purposes of my different aspects, their needs and deficits, and their subconscious co-dependent relationships. I learned to spend some time with my selves, and actively loving them, and finding ways to have them share their pains with me, as well as me sharing mine with them. We became co-conscious at that point.

    I then focused on integrating our thinking to our advantage, until we eventually transitioned into me. Now I love myself, respect myself, and take care of myself and others.

    I'm at the point now where I still notice that my mind somewhat falls easily back into old thinking styles when in certain stages. At first it's helpful, for example at work, because I get things done REALLY well, but I notice if I let myself zone into that too far and for too long, that I tip the scales and find myself wanting to do things that my former rebellious teenager liked to do when I get off work. It's still quite manageable, but I wish I would do more housework and exercise.

    My major problem now though, is that I still feel too ashamed to tell anyone, not even my husband. But I still feel like it's a huge part of who I am, especially because I feel like I've come such a long way.

    Hang in there, learn to love yourself. You'll make it through this and become one of the strongest, most healthy people you'll ever know.

  • OK I hope you are not playing but if not I can try to help you. DID/MPD is NOT like it seems in the the movies. The best way to describe it is like Beyonce/Sasha Fierce. You can be calm one minute then crazy the next like a Schizo. The next is if you did have this you can not remember doing any of this stuff. You would have no memory of it. It sounds like you like to party and pass out. Or another mental illness. You like to be sexy and desired. Like a rush,for self esstem. Get help.

  • God bless you. It is not your fault that you were forcibly initiated into a hypersexual lifestyle. No matter what, you are still a precious child of God. No matter what happens on the outside you are still God's child on the inside.

  • :(

    How horrible to have this happen to someone...
    I'm very sorry.. I dont think this makes you happy at all... Find something else to do, please! Think about your future... there is no such thing as destiny, unless you make your own! You might have been born in the wrong place but you can change your life..

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