I feel so incredibly sad. I've felt this way for such a long time,I don't know how to not feel like this anymore. its like its become a part of me. Its who I am. I'm the unhappiest person I know. I guess I might have some reasons to feel sad,the fact that I don't have a job,that I can't provide for my parents and make them proud for once in my life. I feel sad that I'm such a failure and disappointment alright,maybe other people do far worse things but they are happy with themselves,happy with their lives. so why am I unhappy with mine?
I should be grateful that I have parents who love me. who love me so much that they tolerate my complete laziness and lack of ambition. they don't want to hurt my feelings by telling me that I'm lazy and good for nothing. Whenever I complain about not having a job,my mother,she comforts me and she says,that I've given my cv away to so many places that I will get and answer I must only hope and pray. keep the faith. believe that things will turn out alright.
But things never turn out alright. I'm still unemployed,the 4th year now since I completed school. And I don't seem to be getting anywhere. because I'm afraid. I don't know what I'm afraid of. of people? Of life itself.? I don't know.
Its hard for me to pray and hope and keep the faith. its easy to do but its hard to do at the same time. I don't think I have any faith, and it hurts me so much.I wish I had faith and belief like other people do. To just blindly believe in something and feeling good,trusting in this invincible force,knowing everything will be alright. but I can't! I want to,but I can't. I wish I wasn't this unhappy.I'm always sad. I feel empty inside,like a big black hole is in my heart.I feel fear,I feel worthless,I feel like dying.I feel depressed.I feel so unhappy.I'm too scared to kill myself. what if I end up somewhere so dark and painful that it will make what I'm going trough now seem small,not severe?
This sadness makes me feel like something bad is going to happen. something terrible thatl really make my life more miserable than it already is.I don't want anyone in my family to die.I don't want to think about it. but I can't help shaking the feeling that something bad is going to happen.
I feel stuck. like I'm not going to get anywhere in life. no matter how many self help books,positive thinking guidelines I read,it only seems to help the moment I read it. after that I'm back to feeling empty and sad. like I lost my soul somewhere. they say there's a bit of God in every one of us. but why do I feel so alone and far from God? Sometimes I think that my life is a dream and that the people,the planet,the information,everything in this World is a fragment of my imagination. All make believe and that I'm the main character,and the other people are only extras in my mental movie. I shouldn't give myself such acclaim or power though,I feel its wrong to think the whole world revolves around me,but maybe life is just a big test. And if I am dreaming all of this I just wish I could wake up!