I want my anorexia back
I just finished 2 months of treatment for my anorexia, where I was on a feeding tube for the most part but insurance kicked me out before I was medically stable. While at the last stretch of treatment, my fiancee left me for someone he met at alcoholics anonymous and when I got home, I had to move back in with my parents and I now live in their poolhouse all alone. My good friend died in a car accident a week ago, I lost my Grandmother before that, and my family seems to have left my to my own devices. A friend told me that she saw my ex at a bar with his new w**** on New Years Eve while I was all alone and I got into a bad fight with my ex and threatened him and his new woman. I feel out of control of my entire life again. Treatment was supposed to fix all of this. Now all I want is my eating disorder back. I have been purging and missing meals, telling myself that I will start again tomorrow, doing the right thing. But I really think I will start to get very sick again because I don't care anymore. I don't have a home, my family is broken,everyone is dead, and I drink to quiet the demons that come out at night, Just like my Dad does with his demons from Vietnam.
I want my life to be over. I want my body to wither away like my mind already has.
I can't do this anymore.