I need lots of advice! please!!!!!!!!!

Hi .

5-6years ago I had a one night stand while we were very drunk with a very close friend 'A'.
A and i are close friends since childhood (we're all in our late 20s now). He's married now, we never had any serious thing with each other...it was at a party we were drunk and never made it an issue really.... After 5years , i fall in love with his best friend 'B', we're together for over 1year now. And he knew about the little affair we had years ago with A. We're a group of people and i know it looks unhealthy but it really is not.
my bf is madly in love with me. he would die for me really...
we always have lots of fun in bed, hardcore s** dirtytalking etc.

So my bf is very mad about this 'A' situation all of a sudden after one year. one night after a party we were so drunk. we were having s**, and then he raped me (i thought it was a game at start, but he didn't stop-it was not a game) and threatened to kill me.... and then he blacked out. he didn't remember the next morning. i told him everything and his first reaction was that 'it didn't happened without reason, that i was a liar' blablabla..

after an hour or so, he came back to my place crying hysterically for hours begging for me to forgive... and i did.

i thought i could get over this. but no, whenever we have a little discussion this hits me traumatically. I haven't spoken to anyone.
I can't tell anyone. If i tell my sister or best friends , i don't know how they'll react. so you can understand that i don't want any more trouble... i just want to get over this. do you think i ever will? or was it a mistake to forgive him, and continue seeing him?
i was very in love with this a******. we have lots of ongoing projects. i always loved him, and he always treats me like a queen.
but this happened !
it happened and i know we can't undo, whats done is done.

what should i do people.
say anything, because you're all i got right now!

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