For the past couple months, my thought patterns stopped making sense. The only way I can think to compare it, is like when you have a really realistic dream, and you can't recall if it actually happened or not. That's how my mind is. I'll have a thought, that I know isn't how I actually feel, but it's hard for me to differentiate between what is what I actually want, and what is just a fleeting thought.
I overthink EVERYTHING. To the point where I KNOW I love my boyfriend (of 2+ years), but my brain causes me to question whether my love is pure or not. And if I happen to find another guy attractive, my brain analyzes it to the point where I have unwanted sexual thoughts of that person, even if I don't know them, and I work so hard at trying to not have those thoughts in the first place, that my brain overloads. My brain also sometimes tells me really f***** up things, like I secretly want to be raped, which I know is definitely something that I don't want. (If I wanted it in the first place, it wouldn't be rape, and I would never desire or think of cheating on my boyfriend).
Everything is very confusing right now. I'm just trying my best to hold onto the fact that I love my boyfriend, and he loves me too.