I Wish She Meant It
It started out as a one-night-stand that became a close friendship-with-benefits. I see her all the time now. We go out dancing and drinking together. We go back to my place or hers, we have dirty passionate s**, we watch movies, we talk late into the night and fall asleep in each other's arms. It's bliss.
We don't consider ourselves to be lovers, but we sort of treat each other like lovers. And, as was probably inevitable, I've come to adore her. She's all I think about, and I'd give anything to be her wife. I want to cook for her and go on dates with her and give her backrubs at the the end of the day. I want to wake her up every morning by covering her face with soft kisses. I want to always let her know she's loved. When she hurts, I hurt. I want to protect her and always be there for her. I want her to know that I'm not going to abandon her as so many people have.
She fascinates me. She's indescribably beautiful to me, and our dissimilar backgrounds give us a lot to talk about. We have all kinds of fun together. We've got great sexual chemistry. And even though we both agreed from the start that this was NOT a relationship, she sometimes slips up and says, "I love you." Or she'll say, "my girlie," meaning me. But she always catches herself and backtracks, making sure I know she didn't mean it.
But in the few times I've "slipped up" and told her I loved her, I meant it.
I know we'd make a terrible match. We're both too emotionally and financially unstable to be in relationships with other unstable people. Our backgrounds are too different. And yet, I'm hesitant to date other girls because I don't want to risk having to give up what she and I have.
WHY IS MY HEART SUCH AN IDIOT!?