My greatest fear
I was once asked, a very long time ago, what my greatest fear was. I gave a bullshit answer, mostly because I didn't have a concrete answer ready. However, there was also a small part of me that was afraid to answer.
That part of me seems to have grown and grown, and now I am forced to acknowledge it. My very greatest fear is other people.
I've been a bit of a loner for as many years as I can remember. And even before that, before elementary school and those fuzzy memories of preschool...even before all those things, it seems that I was a little reclusive. My mother has mentioned to me a few stories of other childrens' parents asking my own parents as to why I wasn't playing with the other children.
It's my personality. I'm such a terribly massive introvert that I can't bring myself to overcome the shyness and the hesitation and fear of others. I'm not quite sure what, exactly, it is that I am so afraid of. Rejection? Ostracism? Indifference? Ha. Been there, done that. That's what middle school taught me about.
So if I've been there and done that, and I want to act like such a tough guy (or, I guess, tough girl in my case) about it, why am I still so damned afraid of them?
I've had few friends over the years. During grade school, I never enough attention to myself to attract any active bullying. The passive-aggressive pseudo-alienation I experienced in elementary, middle, and high school was half self-imposed, half due to other people thinking I was... wierd. So I wasn't even worthy of actively disliking, and I'm still not, because I'm just the quiet kid in the corner who probably reads too much.
I'm jealous of others. I'm jealous of the ones who can make friends quickly and easily, the ones who don't panic a little when they have to do a group project, the ones who can smile and talk so easily with their peers. I don't always mind being an introvert, because I like my alone time, but sometimes I wish I wasn't so much of one.
It seems to have turned into a vicious cycle, as well. I've had some friends in the past, but I'm such a private person that most of those relationships were superficial or basically one-sided. Now, in college, I'm truly alone for the first time. No one to eat lunch with or lie on the grass with and talk about nothing in particular. No one to philosophize with or joke with or complain about professors with. And it seems that the longer I'm alone, the more abominable my social skills become. And the greater my fear of people grows.
Maybe there is something genuinely wrong with me. Maybe there's something wrong with society. Maybe I think too much and there's no room for anything else. I'm quiet, I'm introspective. Maybe it's because my flaws are more obvious than my strengths, because my strengths are quiet ones.
...Heck, maybe all of this is just a bunch of moping. Who knows? Sometimes, I think, it's not so bad being alone. I have more time to think and write and play music and all kinds of things. But at other times... it becomes too much. Maybe the thing I fear the most is also the thing I need the most. I guess life has a lot of double-edged swords in it, huh?
Well, thank you for sticking it out through my long, self-centered, and probably extremely wordy post. I guess I have too many things inside me that remain unsaid. They sort of just... pour out sometimes.