A sad feeling

I'm quite an attractive girl
I'm smart
Graduating early
Great friends
Parents who love me...
I have lots of secrets that I haven't told anyone....

Firstly, When I was 12 my brothers best friend raped me. He was cruel and he took the thing that I can never ever get back. I'm 17 now and he's finally out of jail. When ever he sees me he gives me a little wave and blows me a kiss. If only he knew what I was really thinking.

The second part to the above secret.... (About my brother)
He was cool and awesome when he found out about that he beat his friend. I loved and admired him a lot but I was the one who killed him. I didn't catch the warning signs of suicide. I could have saved him but I was so oblivious and dumb. My brother was a big boned guy he was like a teddy bear. He was bullied by kids in high school and he took the easy way out of life. All I have right now is blurry memories and a picture book. Whenever someone asks me if I have any brothers or sisters I say ”NO” I regret it every time but I just don't understand and I hate him for putting a huge whole in my heart.

When I turned 16 I thought I found the guy of my dreams. Boy was I wrong. His name was lets just call him S. He was just using me. He didn't get a lot of attention from girls but I surly noticed him. I wanted him bad he said I was the one who ”tried” to turn our friendship into a relationship. Its weird because he always told me he loved me and liked me a lot. He was just leading me on for nothing. Truth is I'm not over him and the girl he likes now I dislike her and am jealous of what she has.

Now to my bestfriend lets call him D. He's perfect in every kind of way he just gives his heart out to anyone. I have a huge crush on him I've always have. He's sweet to everyone his life has been going down hill and I've been supporting him. He's into LD relationship (long distance) he likes this girl named A. She's so GORGEOUS she's like a model. I'm jealous of her because im just pretty and he can't settle for just pretty. I'm jealous of what he has.

Everyone in my life end up leaving so I always feel so alone. I've thought about the *easy way out* but that won't solve anything in life but tears and heartbreak.

I worry about being alone forever in my life and when I think about it. I start crying and worrying going through the motions. Truth is I HATE MYSELF.

Apr 10, 2012

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  • please don't hurt yourself. believe me, it's not worth it. talk to someone whom you trust, a parent, etc. there are people who love you and want to help you. it's not your fault about your brother, believe me, I know.

  • I can relate. i lost my older bro to suicide and when people ask me if I have any siblings I say "no" too. I feel terribly guilty. I just can't stand saying yes and then having to explain why he isn't here. It's not your fault. Please don't think of taking the "easy way" out. It's not easy because it leaves many behind. Things will get better. One day you will meet someone who is worthy of your love and he will be worthy of yours. You will have happiness. It may not be tomorrow but it will be someday. Believe me I've been there and never thought I'd get passed the storms but thankfully I did.

  • Theirs someone out their that is just perfect for u..praying that u wont harm urself... its not worth it.


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