A sad feeling
I'm quite an attractive girl
Parents who love me...
I have lots of secrets that I haven't told anyone....
Firstly, When I was 12 my brothers best friend raped me. He was cruel and he took the thing that I can never ever get back. I'm 17 now and he's finally out of jail. When ever he sees me he gives me a little wave and blows me a kiss. If only he knew what I was really thinking.
The second part to the above secret.... (About my brother)
He was cool and awesome when he found out about that he beat his friend. I loved and admired him a lot but I was the one who killed him. I didn't catch the warning signs of suicide. I could have saved him but I was so oblivious and dumb. My brother was a big boned guy he was like a teddy bear. He was bullied by kids in high school and he took the easy way out of life. All I have right now is blurry memories and a picture book. Whenever someone asks me if I have any brothers or sisters I say ”NO” I regret it every time but I just don't understand and I hate him for putting a huge whole in my heart.
When I turned 16 I thought I found the guy of my dreams. Boy was I wrong. His name was lets just call him S. He was just using me. He didn't get a lot of attention from girls but I surly noticed him. I wanted him bad he said I was the one who ”tried” to turn our friendship into a relationship. Its weird because he always told me he loved me and liked me a lot. He was just leading me on for nothing. Truth is I'm not over him and the girl he likes now I dislike her and am jealous of what she has.
Now to my bestfriend lets call him D. He's perfect in every kind of way he just gives his heart out to anyone. I have a huge crush on him I've always have. He's sweet to everyone his life has been going down hill and I've been supporting him. He's into LD relationship (long distance) he likes this girl named A. She's so GORGEOUS she's like a model. I'm jealous of her because im just pretty and he can't settle for just pretty. I'm jealous of what he has.
Everyone in my life end up leaving so I always feel so alone. I've thought about the *easy way out* but that won't solve anything in life but tears and heartbreak.
I worry about being alone forever in my life and when I think about it. I start crying and worrying going through the motions. Truth is I HATE MYSELF.