This is me...

Nobody knows who I really am.
I don't even know who I really am. Even after 20 years...
Its like I'm just a puppet being dragged around by invisible strings that anyone can manipulate. And I let them...
I let everyone around me shape my own thoughts and feelings and actions and I hardly act like myself.
I can't remember the last time I said something completely true and didn't feel guilty afterwards, or turn as red as a tomato in fear of not being accepted because of it.
Every night I wish I could wake up a different person and live my life the way it is supposed to be lived, but when I wake up I just go back to being a fake toy for the use of others.
I even went onto a chat site and had cybersex with anonymous men, just because I had the chance to act like somebody else for a few minutes. They loved it. They loved me, even if it none of it was real. I kept doing it because of that fake love.
And I wish I could just end it all somehow and still be able to be around my friends...
But no. I'm still me. I'm still quiet, reserved, soft-spoken, easily manipulated, secretly gay me.
And I hate them so much. So much...
But in a few minutes I'll be heading out to hang with them. And I'll say what I know they'll want me to say and do what I know they'll want me to do, just so they won't dislike me for any reason at all. As long as the people around me are happy, then I'm happy. Even if on the inside I just want to run away...

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  • You know you're the only one who can cut those strings. After awhile you just have to say "f*** it". You can't live your life for others. You can't let others live your life for you. You're your own person. If you act only to please others eventually you will lose yourself. If you're gay that's who you are. Anyone who can't accept it isn't worth being friends with. Good luck.

  • you sound like a girl i know. on every word you write you sound like her.

  • You really sound like someone i know. You sound like her so much.I think you should be you and if you cant your just fooling yourself. Be yourself. your beautiful.

  • glorious confession friend wish i could help but i doubt i could so sorry

  • Jesus Christ....ME TOO

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