I just got into grad school
... in a very prestigious program.
I know I don't deserve it.
I know it's way out of my league and that I was accepted because of where I'm from, to add a exotic flavor to the school's international population.
And I totally want to go for it- I mean I don't care, I'll work so hard, I'll make the best of it, but I'm still ashamed of sharing it with people.
I'm dying to write to a friend who goes there now to ask him more about it, but I know he'd think what the h***? You're coming here? And I can't imagine being in the same place as him. He's monstrously talented. He's many years ahead of me in experience.
I'm terrified of meeting him again.
And I'm even more scared to share it with a teacher I met in the summer and who's been trying to get me to his school. He made me feel like he was the savior from the west who discovered me and gave me an opportunity that I wouldn't have dreamed about. I never told him I had plans to go to the US anyway- I felt too small, too scared of sounding too confident. He made me feel that way. Then I went and applied to something better, and got in. And he would never understand. He would laugh at it. He said I would have no reason to think twice about coming to his school. He praised it by telling me one student graduated from there and got into X. Now I want to go straight to X. He'll laugh. He'll sigh. He'll think I'm childish and unrealistic.
And he's right.
But I hated the way he only allowed me small dreams, thought I shouldn't want more, thought maybe I didn't deserve more.
I hated the way he assumed things before experiencing answers.
Will the competition suffocate and paralyze me? Do I deserve it? Will I ever catch up? Or should I go for the smaller, warmer program in a great cultural city over the highly ranked, super competitive program in a conservative, comparatively boring midwestern/ southern city?
I'm so confused and so sad and so suffocated I could cry.