Bad Habits turned Self Awareness
I love nothing, and i mean NOTHING, more than taking pain killers and reading David Foster Wallace. However, after years of skirting significant others/family members I have downgraded to drinking and watching the TV show Californication. I would love nothing more than to return to my original vices but I am now engaged and its nearly impossible to hide. I can't help but acknowledge the overwhelming feeling that I am losing part of who I truly am by pursuing my downgraded unhealthy obsessions as compared to my life destroying true desires. What happens when this cheap substitute I have forced into the cavity of my real desires no longer adequately suppresses it? Does the unselfish thought of living my life for someone else truly transcend my selfish desires and satisfy me in a way beyond these petty transgressions? The scariest part is that I know the critical questions which need to be asked of myself, I just don't know the answers. I'm in some agoraphobic parallel dimension where I know what needs to be done but I don't know how to do it. Thank god the pressure of society keeps me right where everyone else wants me to be. I guess its just a waiting game until I finally explode, or insanely optimistically, stop being a selfish a****** and devote my life to something more than I am.
Now that I've had a minute to think, does devoting my life to someone else really increase the value of another life? Generally, we all start in the same circumstances: for all the reasons you can list that our lives started differently, I can list 10 reasons they started similarly. Although financial disparities are the easiest to identify I believe that moral influences have the biggest impact on the development of individual personalities, especially at a young age. When you are young, critical thinking is virtually nonexistent, unfortunately this is also the point where you learn and observe the most basic principles which society has instilled upon us. People wonder why it's so hard to change such basic human instincts - it's literally ingrained in our minds before we have the chance to interpret and reason with it. It's remarkably easy for people to define themselves as exactly who they want to be. In fact, every time we meet somebody new we get to redefine ourselves in a new light, a new expression. In the interest of not sounding elitist, I am 100% guilty of this. When a new employee is hired at work, its a new opportunity for myself. Once again a selfish engagement to promote myself. Does elevating myself in the perception of others really do anything for me? Does believing that others idealize me make me a stronger person or does it actually make me more self-involved. I think concerning yourself with others opinions actually introverts yourself. But how are you to not concern yourself with others opinions when we are such a judgemental society? I would go as far to say that we are entirely hypocritical. That being said, what kind of memory would it take to go an entire life span not being guilty of hypocrisy at one point or another? All in all I feel like there is an abundance of questions. I am not the first person to recognize this, nor have I fulfilled my duty in acknowledging those before me who have also realized this truth many years before me. The salient point here is that the human race is not evolving efficiently enough. We have an abundance of technology but there are still millions of people who have not transgressed the simple idea of selfishness. How can we have outgrown slavery, denial of basic human rights, prejudice, etc., but still participate in such primal human behaviors?
The last thing I want to be distilled from these drunk ramblings is that I am somehow above and beyond this. In fact, the opposite is true. I am exponentially more guilty than anyone agreeing with what I have said. The fact is I have already realized all that I have typed and yet, I have done nothing about it. Guilty while known to be guilty - there is no excuse.
- The hopeless.