I need a shoulder to cry on
Ok I think I have only cried on two people's shoulders my entire life. The first person being my mother. The other person being my crazy ex girlfriend after my brother died. I was in such a state that I just broke down and she was there. She held me and I felt such a sense of comfort that I haven't felt for a long time prior.
I've lost a lot of people I loved throughout my life. I always stood strong pretending I was ok. I really wasn't. What I really needed was someone to hold me tight and tell me that it wasn't my fault. Tell me that everything would be ok. Now deep inside of me so many year later there is still that hurt and scare little child that so desperately needs to be comforted.
I have a lot of pain inside. A lot of tears that were never shed. I need someone to help me shed them because inside I'm silently dying. I want to feel the safety and comfort of burying my face into someone's shoulder and just letting as much as I out. I want to have that person rub my head as I cry because that is the most soothing thing I know. At that moment when I'm the most helpless and vulnerable I want that person to hug me and tell me it's ok. Tell me that I'll be ok. I want that person to wipe my tears and tell me that they really do care about me and want to help me.
This is what I want and need. I'm not selfish I would do the same gladly for the person I return. But I am so badly emotionally damaged and scarred that I can't even take care of myself. I don't know what good I'd be in trying to help someone else.
I am a grown man and this is what I need. I am deeply embarrassed by it and would never admit it to anyone. I hate feeling so weak and vulnerable. I know it would never happen but this what I like to imagine as I lie in bed at night. I would love to have this but I know its selfish of me to expect someone else to heal me. I would gladly lend my shoulders to anyone who needed them. I just wish for once someone could do this for me. It' nice to imagine.