Physically abused today; I want to sleep with someone.
Not in a sexual kind of sleeping with someone... I mean that in the most sincere and innocent way.
Remember when you were a kid, and when you had a bad dream or you believed there was a monster in your closet, you would crawl right into bed with your mom & your dad, believing that the next day, it would be gone and everything would be okay?
That's the kind of 'sleep with someone' I mean. I need to be next to somebody when I sleep tonight... I need to cuddle up with somebody as I cry while they tell me that it's okay, and that I'm safe now. I need to know that I'll be safe in a bed with someone, knowing that I'm not alone and that it will be okay. Maybe not tomorrow... but eventually.
I need somebody to sleep next to, to reassure me that the scary monsters in my closet will be gone.
And by monsters, I mean my father.
And by closet, I mean this house.
My father hit me today. Actually, it started yesterday. See, I'm a 19 year old female who can't drive. I have my permit, but the most my father has taught me about the car is how to turn the key into the ignition. Yesterday, my mom asked him to take me around driving.
My dad went ballistic. He called me names that you would hear in rated R films. He called me things that a daughter would never want to hear from her father's mouth. He called me a problem. He said I was the problem of the family. And yesterday, I believed it.
Yesterday, I imagined that to be true. I imagined how much easier my family's lives would be without me. Yesterday, I cried twice. Yesterday, I questioned my existence.
Today, I just wanted to go to school, survive the ride home, lock myself in my room & write 3 essays due this week. That's all I wanted to do.
I didn't even survive the ride home. I ran to my older brother's room once I got home & my father caught up. He opened the door, called me more nasty names, and once again called me a problem. I cried as I stood there as my brother looks away. Once my father left, I told my brother that our dad had hit me in the car today on the way home from school.
He told me to tell my mom & my sisters, so I did. I told my mom, but she is just as scared of our dad as we are. She told me she couldn't do anything. I told my sisters, and they told me to get out of this house. They told me to get my license ASAP, and get a job. They told me to save my money so I could get the h*** out of here.
I cried a lot today. My sisters told my brother to get me some ice for my face or it would start swelling. I locked myself in my room the whole entire day, and I cried.
and I cried
and I cried.
I called my friends
I told them my confession
and I cried
with a towel full of ice held up to the left side of my face.
and I questioned my existence again.
And I cried even more.
My father has always been abusive. Not really to me... he's thrown things at me and even flinched to slap me, but he has never really laid his hands on me. He's hurt everybody else in my family, but never me. Until today, of course.
He will never lay a hand on me ever again. If he attempts to touch me, to hug me, or even to get close to me, I will slap him and give him the biggest "f*** you" I have ever given anybody. If he thinks the grounds between us will ever be good, then he has another thing coming. He will never be forgiven for this. He will never receive my forgiveness. He doesn't deserve my forgiveness. He doesn't deserve anybody's forgiveness.
I just need to sleep... but I don't want to sleep alone. I have plenty of worries as of now, my father not even included. It's study week, I have 5 essays due this week, and finals next week. I still need to figure out my life.
and I just want to sleep... but I don't want to sleep alone... I just want to sleep with someone...