It's all my fault...

I'm a 17 year old girl.

In 7th grade I became close friends with a guy in band named Dylan. Dylan and I spent a lot of time together, and eventually people began assuming we were dating. No matter what we both denied everything. This continued up until the summer before 9th grade. One day he suddenly heard a rumor and assumed that I hated him for something stupid. I forget what. Either way another rumor was going around that we were sleeping together. At this time I had a ton of family issues as well; and didn't feel like dealing with all this. I didn't talk to him much, and I later found out that he assumed I also disliked him because of the rumor. I ended up becoming home schooled for other reasons. He was led to believe it was his fault.

In the second semester he suddenly moved in with his dad. I found out then that he'd put up with abuse from his drunk mother for two years because he didn't want to leave me. Since he left we barely spoke. This lasted about a year and a half until just a few months ago.

One Saturday I was supposed to go to a party with him. This would have been the first time I'd seen him in almost a year. I ended up getting extremely sick to the point where I couldn't leave my bed. My parents ditched me for the weekend and went away, leaving me all alone. When he found out I was sick he came over right away with movies and soup. Somehow we got to talking about the past, and he said that he loved me. He kissed me, and we spent the rest of the night cuddling and talking like old times. It was perfect. He was planning on leaving around midnight, but at some point before that we fell asleep. In the morning he had to wake me so he could get out of bed since I fell asleep in his arms. He tucked me back in, kissed my forehead and said he'd be right back and that he was just going to get me more medicine. I fell asleep again, and this time when I woke up I found a bowl of hot soup, medicine and a note. The note said that he had to go back home, and he didn't want to wake me since I needed my rest. It also said how happy he was that we got to spend the night together, and all this other cheesy but sweet stuff.

Later that night I tried texting him, but got no response. I tried calling him since I know he has issues with his dad and wanted to check up on him, but he sent me to his voice mail. After a month of this I gave up and figured he didn't want to talk to me. I felt so betrayed...

But then on Tuesday while I was at work he tried calling me. I was making phone calls, so I couldn't answer. He called a few times but I was making a sale so I figured it would have to wait. I also had information saved on my phone such as numbers to call. Dylan started texting me, but I didn't even open them so I wouldn't lose my info. When I finished my calls I planned on taking a break and was going to read the texts and call him. My boss ended up sending me to the front of the store instead for the next six hours. By then I had completely forgotten about the messages and calls.

Today I found out that he attempted suicide. I went back and read the messages, and he was explaining why he couldn't and didn't talk to me. He also apparently called on Wednesday and I didn't even notice. That's when he left a voice mail saying he couldn't stand me being upset with him. That's when he also said that he knows I'm his last friend, and he thought he lost me when I didn't reply. And he said he understood that I thought he was just being a j*** by ignoring me. Long story short last night he attempted suicide right after he called me.

He never said it was my fault. I feel like I'm responsible though. If I had only picked up the phone...thank God it didn't work...

May 10, 2012

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  • I hope everything turns better for you both. Don't feel responsible for everything, he's got a lot of things to deal with, just as you do. Support each other in such hard times... Smile, you are loved, you are not alone.

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